Episode Guide 1/5/12-Steven Case

The Colbert Report Episode Guide
EPISODE NUMBER: 8002 (January 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Steven Case
SEGMENTS:  Indecision 2012 Fun Rick Santorum | The Word: Catch 2012 | God’s Message to Pat Robertson| Sign Off: Mayan Headgear and Sacrificial Chicken
SUIT REPORT: Charcoal Grey Suit | Eggshell White Shirt | Navy Tie with Cerulean Cross Hatch
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 5, 2012

Wow, what a great show tonight Hubsters! It is an honor and a privilege to have such a jewel to work with for my first episode guide. I hope I did it justice. Enjoy!

Indecision 2012 Fun Rick Santorum

Stephen starts the show in high spirits!  No serious, straight face tonight during the opening cheers.  Mr. Colbert soaks up the love of the Nation like a sponge.

The love fest continues during the first segment, which revolves around George Will’s article proclaiming that Rick Santorum is the “fun” GOP candidate. Of course, Stephen tries to celebrate Santorum’s good vibes but ends up crying in his drink instead. Don’t worry folks; too much of a good time always does that to me too.

Notable quotables:

  • Michele Bachmann: dropping out (of the Presidential race) to spend more time fiercely staring at her family.
  • In just one day since the caucuses, Santorum raised a million dollars. Or as Rick Perry calls it: five Iowa votes.

I love it! I love it baby! I love it!

After all, a bow tie is just a neck tie that’s doing this.

You want fun? Santorum is the life of the party. Heck, he’s the prolife of the party.

Okay, that’s enough fun for now. Movin’ on.

The Word: Catch 2012

Stephen calls out President Obama on his “diabolical plot to hold office”. He begins by discussing The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that Obama recently passed into law. Explaining how an amendment was added to the law that, “Nothing in this section shall be construed to affect existing law”.

This allowed it to pass despite major backlash.  Due to wording of the law, it has the ability to take away Americans constitutional rights to both trial by jury and habeas corpus. Apparently, the “amendment” was all it took to “placate the habeas huggers”.

Colbert then points out how Obama used a similar tactic to get around the fact that he didn’t veto the act as promised by making yet another promise that his administration would not “authorize the indefinite military detention without trial of American citizens”.  Stephen draws the conclusion being that Obama is holding Americans captive for the next election out of fear that another administration would use the law to eliminate our rights as citizens.

Notable quotables:

  • But folks by enshrining our liberties, that is no way to preserve them. Thankfully, this bill doesn’t.
  • I say next, (Obama) should introduce, sign, then oppose a law granting the Commander in Chief Prima Nocta…
  • …Or to make sure he never has to leave office, Obama could simply sign a law allowing Ex-Presidents to hunt Americans for sport.  Up until now that was only legal for Vice Presidents.
  • Whoever is the president is going to need every tool at his disposal to disrupt, defeat, and dismantle the terrorists who seek to… rupt, feat, and mantle us.

The NDAA strikes at the heart of the most notorious safe haven for terrorists...

…It strikes at the U.S. Constitution, in which, our founders naively guarantee the right to habeas corpus and trial by jury.

Oh, that is ridiculous! We will not lock up Americans indefinitely. Eventually, they will die.

Hey, you’re safe with me but I can’t promise the next guy isn’t going to disappear your son and hook his nipples up to a truck battery. Or as he used to say, “hope”.

So, if you’re upset because you voted for Barak Obama, thinking he’d be better than George Bush on indefinite detention, you’d better vote for him again. Not because he’s better but because he just reluctantly made it easier for the next president to be just as bad.

God’s Message to Pat Robertson

Apparently Pat Robertson has joined the ranks of prophets and saints, such as Joan of Arc and Moses, whom the Good Lord deemed worthy of having a personal conversation with. What, pray tell, did Pat speak with the Alpha and Omega about? Doom, of course! How can we prevent this doom, you may ask? Pray.

Keep it simple, stupid may not be scripture but it sure is gospel.

Fortunately, Stephen has taken it upon himself to put in a prayer for us and it’s a good thing too because I don’t own any speakers that go to eleven, do you?

Notable quotables:

  • I’m clearly not Pat’s only fan, so is Yahweh H. God.
  • Som”prey”ro.
  • Nos Id Faciamus (Let’s get it on!)

I watch every episode of the 700 Club over a big plate of Pat Robertson’s age-defying protein pancakes. And folks, they work. My pancakes have never looked younger.

It’s probably just as well he doesn’t tell us who the next President’s going to be. Clearly whoever God picked, it’s going to be ridiculous. I’m guessing the next President is either a Power Puff Girl Pez dispenser or Jon Huntsman.

Oh, oh, oh, ooh! It’s like twenty questions but-but with the ten plagues. All right, let’s play!

Pat Robertson: Is it a major power outage? God: No. Colbert: Okay, I won’t need this then... Go on.

Pat Robertson: Is Iranian or North of Korea a nuclear threat? God: No. Colbert: Great! Well, then uh- I can, I can sell this, sell this back to Glen Beck.

Pat Robertson: Is it the Mayan galaxy aligning? God: No. It’s not that. Colbert: It’s not! Oh, well… then. Then, thank Quetzalcoatl!

Most speakers go to ten, these go to El Heaven.

Dear Lord, we have heard you speak through your Pat puppet. And we- we mortals are heartily sorry we elected Barak Obama. Help us defeat him in 2012. Although Pat says you know what’s gonna happen so either this prayer has already worked or it hasn’t. Which means it’s either unnecessary or pointless. Oh, and one more thing Lord. Why’d you tell Pat Robertson? I’m not complaining but what about me? Is there some sort of next-President-phone-tree I could get on? You know? In case there’s a snow day. Anyway, if it’s something I’ve done other than, you know, that thing I keep trying to stop doing, I’m sorry. Amen. Jesus number one, woo!

Interview with Steven Case

Founder and former CEO of AOL and a leader in the so-called sharing economy. I assume he didn't mind sharing the green room snacks with the chicken.

SC: I don’t like the idea, if you don’t mind, of sharing. I’m one of eleven children. I had to share my entire life. I’m a big boy now, it’s mine. Isn’t that antithetical to American?

Steven Case: Not really. Actually the history of America, people used to share a hundred years ago and people grew up in villages and on farms and knew their neighbors-

SC: We also died at 43 a hundred years ago. This is an ownership society, sir, not a sharership.

Steven Case: Most cars are only used 5 or 10 percent of the time. Most vacation homes are only used 5 or 10 percent of the time.

SC: Okay, but here’s my problem with the Zip car. It’s that, doesn’t that spread germs? Because it’s like, you get in there and the other guys butt germ is right there. It’s like using a public toilet. Which by the way, would be a great thing to use a Zip car for.


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