The Colbert Report Episode Guide

EPISODE NUMBER: 8007 (January 12, 2012)
GUESTS: Mike Allen
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Trevor Potter | Jon Stewart | Michael Diamond
SEGMENTS: Segment 1 | Indecision 2012- Colbert Super PAC- Coordination Resolution with Jon Stewart | Mike D’s Hip-Hop Semantics | Mike Allen | Sign Off- iPad eBook
SUIT REPORT: Slate Grey Suit  | White Smoke Shirt | Deep Burgundy Tie, lightly speckled with yellow.
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tonight’s show was as sweet and rare as finding a South Carolina peach in the quickly disappearing arctic tundra.  The fans were on fire right off the bat and Stephen responded by blowing a kiss and saluting the audience.

Indecision 2012- Colbert Super PAC- Coordination Problem & Resolution with Jon Stewart

Stephen wasted no time jumping right in and nailing the liberal media for their obsession with him.  Most recently, they’ve been picking apart the results of  the Public Policy Polling’s “p-p-poll“, which declared him victor over Jon Huntsman in South Carolina.  Colbert reminded us of the last election and what a painful experience it was for him but as you’ll see, he somehow found the the strength to overcome it.

 

Notable Quotables:

Now clearly, my fellow South Caroliniacs see me as the only viable Mitt-ternative.

Romney is not communicating with the Super PAC in any way, shape, or form.  It is the exact same relationship he has with voters.

Just because you spend time on an island with someone does not mean you coordinate with them.  After all, Gilligan never even learned the Professor’s real name.

J.S.:  I assume there’s reams of complicated paperwork to be executed before we transfer the reigns of power with something as critical to our very foundation of democracy as a Super PAC.

S.C.: Trevor?

T.P.: I’ve brought the one document with me.

S.C.: Jon, are you okay?  Are you okay, Jon?

J.S.: I believe I have a pure cash erection right now.

S.C.: Now, you’re gonna want to put a bag of frozen peas on that.

J.S.: I certainly will.

If I'm not mistaken, you sound like an angel choir calling me to destiny.

Clearly it's a tough decision and I would not want to be in my shoes. But I am. And folks, they're incredibly expensive.

Nation, you know me. I try to keep a low profile.

Ask anybody who subscribes to the Stephen Colbert 24/7 Low Profile Webcam.

So this is a difficult decision. I've talked it over with my spiritual adviser. I've talked it over with my money but I haven't yet talked it over with my money's spiritual adviser. Please welcome former FEC Chair, General Counsel to the 2008 McCain campaign, my personal lawyer Mr. Trevor Potter.

Oh Trevor, I wouldn't want to even create the appearance of electoral skulduggery, if that's a word I can say on a family show. But I think, I think there may be a guy, Jon.

S.C.: Let’s see, I sign, I sign here and then I believe you sign there.

J.S.: Okay, I’d be happy to do that. Is there any sense, by the way, of how much money we have in this thing? Because I certainly think as the guy whose running it I would-

S.C.: (holds up a check book in which he previously wrote the balance to show Trevor Potter) Ah, that is- that is how much.

J.S.: Ah, heh, oh!

No, n-no. Later, later, later, late-later. Alright. Alright

Trevor Potter: Colbert Super PAC transfer activate.

Stephen Colbert: Colbert, Colbert, Colbert Super PAC is dead……………………… Jon Stewart: But it has been reborn as The Definitely Not Coordinating with Stephen Colbert Super PAC.

Jon Stewart: Can I legally hire Stephen’s current Super PAC staff to produce these ads that will be in no way coordinating with Stephen?

Trevor Potter: Yes. As long as they have no knowledge of Stephen’s plans.

Stephen Colbert: Well that’s easy, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Okay Jon, I guess you’d better leave for fear that we’d be coordinating with each other.

Jon Stewart: We wouldn’t want that.

Stephen Colbert: I can’t let you know my plans.

Jon Stewart: I don’t want to know (ululates).

Gentlemen, I think our work here is done. Bring it here. Bring it here. Okay, ready? On your mark, get set. (all together) Non-coordination!

Nation, I have a major announcement to make. For over a day now the people of South Carolina have been crying out for someone who can restore our nations former greatness to it's current perfection. Well, America that someone is now. I am proud to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee to lay the ground work for my possible candidacy for the President of the United States of South Carolina. I'm doing it! Drop 'em Jimmy! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! And with your help and possibly the help of some sort of outside group that I am not coordinating with we can explore taking this country back. Thank you! God bless you all! And God bless Citizen's United!

The full scene:

S.C.: Oh Trevor, I wouldn’t want to even create the appearance of electoral skulduggery, if that’s a word I can say on a family show.  But I think, I think there might be a guy, Jon.

S.C.: Jon, let me ask you something. Are you here to offer to take over Colbert Super PAC

Jon: I’m not even going to diminish-  I won’t offer, I’m honored.  I would be honored but can I, if I may, can we do this because you and I are also business partners.

S.C.: Yes, we’re business partners.

Jon: We’re about to open that combination bagel shop.

S.C.: And travel agency.

Jon: Yes, from schmear to eternity.

S.C.: Is that a problem, Trevor? Is being business partners a problem?

T.P.: Being business partners does not count as coordination, legally.

S.C.: Great!

J.S.: Way-way-way-wait,  I assume there’s reams of complicated paperwork to be executed before we transfer the reigns of power with something as critical to our very foundation of democracy as a Super PAC.

S.C.: Trevor?

T.P.: I’ve brought the one document with me.

S.C.: Oh, Good man.  Oh, that’s excellent.  That’s excellent.  Thank you very much. Alright.

J.S.: That’s double spaced.

S.C.: Yeah, that’s uh, okay.

J.S.: Beautiful font.

S.C.: Let’s see, I sign, I sign here.

J.S.: I see, very interesting. Alright.

S.C. And then I believe you sign there.

J.S.: Okay, I’d be happy to do that.  Is there any sense, by the way, of how much money we have in this thing?  Because I certainly think as the guy whose running it I would-

S.C.: (holds up a check book in which he previously wrote the balance to show Trevor Potter) Ah, that is- that is how much.

J.S.: Ah, heh, oh! (he begins trying to lick the ledger, Stephen presses his head back with one hand)

S.C.: No, n-no. Later, later, later, late-later. Alright.  Alright.  Trevor, there you go (hands papers to Trevor).  Alright, Jon prepare yourself.  Here we go.  Trevor, if you will.

T.P.: Colbert Super PAC transfer activate.

(a green light and money symbols travel from Stephen to Jon across their held hands.  Both shake at the ferocity of the power transfer.  Stephen is thrown back, limp and passed out in his chair.  Jon lifts both arms and shaking his fists, and hollering as the power of the money imbues him.)

S.C.: Colbert, Colbert, Colbert Super PAC is dead.

J.S.: But it has been reborn as The Definitely Not Coordinating with Stephen Colbert Super PAC.

S.C.: Jon, are you okay?  Are you okay, Jon?

J.S.: I believe I have a pure cash erection right now.

S.C.: Now, you’re gonna want to put a bag of frozen peas on that.

J.S.: I certainly will.  Way-way-wait. Now that I have the Super PAC, can I run ads supporting Stephen Colbert, who I believe in very deeply, and perhaps attacking his potential opponents, who I don’t believe in at all?

T.P.: Yes, you can. As long as you do not coordinate.

S.C.: Well that’s interesting.

J.S.: Red Flag.

S.C.: What?

J.S.: I am busy.

S.C.: Of course, you have a show.

J.S.: Can I legally hire Stephen’s current Super PAC staff to produce these ads that will be in no way coordinating with Stephen?

T.P.: Yes.  As long as they have no knowledge of Stephen’s plans.

S.C.: Well that’s easy, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  Okay Jon, I guess you’d better leave for fear that we’d be coordinating with each other.

J.S.: We wouldn’t want that.

S.C.: I can’t let you know my plans.

J.S.: I don’t want to know (ululates).

S.C.: From now, from now on,Jon,  from now on,  I will just have to talk about my plans on my television show and just take the risk that you might watch it.

J.S.: I don’t even know when its on.  11:30 Monday through Thursday.

S.C.: Yes, thank you so much Jon.  Thank you so much for coming.

J.S.: Thank you.

S.C.: Gentlemen, I think our work here is done. Bring it here.  Bring it here. (all three huddle in the center of the room and bring their hands together) Okay, ready? On your mark, get set.  (all speak) Non-coordination!  Jon Stewart.  Trevor Potter, everybody.  Thank you.

Mike D’s Hip-Hop Semantics

Stephen “leaps to the defense” of friend of the show, Will Shortz (crossword puzzle creator extraordinaire).  Mr. Shortz is in a heated debate with Web Blogger, Julieanne Smolinski, over a cross word clue: “Wack, in hip-hop”.  The answer to which, was illin.  Ms. Smolinski contests that illin does not mean the same thing as wack.  To which Mr. Shortz responded by calling upon the likes of Robert L. Chapman (editor of the Dictionary of American Slang) and Tony Thorne (author of the The Dictionary of Contemporary Slang) to defend his definition.

Fortunately for America, Stephen was prepared and with the help of special guest “Beastie Man” Mike D, settles the dispute once and for all.  How did they settle it, you might ask?  Certainly not by looking at any reference book.  No, by going directly to the source, hip-hop musician’s usage of the term.

Side note: Mike D is best known as the vocalist, drummer, and head grammarian for hip-hop group the Beastie Boys, who have been fighting for our right to party since 1986.

Notable Quotables:

Will Shortz or as we call him in our anagram club, Whiz Trolls.

If you step to Will Shortz he will beat you down and across.

Aah, four-letter word for the sound produced by fingas.

Interview

S.C.: Dr. D, what a plea- what an honor, I am sure you’ve heard all about this tragic drive by Shortzing.

M.D.: Well, it’s all the talk of the hip-hop community, Stephen.

S.C.: So Mike, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha think?

M.D.: Well, Mr. Shortz and Ms. Smolinski both make salient points.  When Easy E states in Boyz-n-the-Hood, how he is, “bored as hell wants to get ill”, we can infer that getting ill is the opposite of boredom.  A form of diversion, if you will.

S.C.: True because wanting to get ill, where does he go?  To the spot where his home boys chill.

M.D.: Exactly!  Point, Ms. Smolinski.  However, if I may point to an earlier work.  The first modern usage of illin appears in Run DMC‘s  seminal recording You Be Illin’  In which, they cleverly observed, “You proceeded to eat it cause you was in the mood but homes you did not read it. It was a can of dog food, you be illin’.”

S.C.: Well, I think that we can all agree that eating dog food for dinner is most certainly wack.

Precisely. Point, Mr. Shortz.

S.C.: So, if I’m hearing you correctly, right now it is a tie?

M.D.: Hmm, not so fast, Dr. Colbert.  I refer you to 1986’s anthemic Time to Get Ill.  In this case, being a fragment of mentally ill and therefore, an exhortation to abandon one’s  inhibitions, as opposed to acting badly.

S.C.: Well, it would be clear then, my friend, that Will Shortz has been Mike Denied.

M.D.: Mm, verily. Julieanne Smolinski is the victor and if I may, Mr. Shortz-

You be illin.

Mike Allen

My guest tonight is the "go to" source for insider Washington gossip. I'm gonna ask him which senators have gotten jowl tucks.

M.A.:  Politico is so fast that we already have, we have an analysis of your prospects in South Carolina.  Should you choose to make an even more historic announcement.

S.C.:  Way-way-way-wait.  What are  my, what are the prospects for me in my South Carolina.  I’m still in the exploratory stage, you realize.

M.A.:  I have bad news, you have a ceiling.  Your ceiling according to Politico is 5% but-

S.C.:  How do you know my ceiling is 5%?   I’m starting at 5%.  My floor, my floor and my ceiling are at 5%?

M.A.:  Here’s the thing.

S.C.:  People wanna hear the real stories.  The people wanna hear the stories from little towns like Davis Station or 96 or Clumpson or Columbia or Charleston or Merle’s Inlet or Mumps Corner or Summerville or Akin.  Alright, those are the real stories.  Or Hellhole Swamp.  Those, those are the real stories.

M.A.:  But you do need to know what’s going on in the “real America” which contrasts what’s going on in this studio.

S.C.:  Oh, this is the real America.  Isn’t it ladies and gentlemen?

S.C.:  I imagine Romney smells like an antiseptic peppermint.  What is he really like in person?

M.A.:  He may seem like a peppermint, uh but uh, behind the scenes he can be tough.  We’re told by people who’ve run afoul of him, when you get in trouble with him, that’s a Mitt-frontation.

S.C.:  Really?

M.A.:  And you don’t want a Mitt-frontation.

M.A.:  You might think that he looks clean cut.

S.C.:  He does look clean cut.

M.A.:  (whispers) He’s got some vices.

S.C.:  Really he’s a dirty whore?  What are his vices?

M.A.: When he’s off camera, he eats pizza.

S.C.:  He eats pizza!  Wait, are Mormons not allowed to eat pizza?  That is a really hard selling point for a religion.

M.A.:  His other secret vice.  KFC, eats fried chicken but pulls the skin off.

S.C.:  That guy sounds fun.

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Well, that's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!

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