January 19, 2012 — Carrie Rebora Barratt

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8011 (January 19, 2012)
GUESTS: Carrie Rebora Barratt
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE:  John Paul Stevens | James Taylor
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 – Troubled GOP Waters & Stephen Under Attack | Colbert Super PAC- John Paul Stevens | Carrie Robora Barratt | James Taylor & Stephen Colbert- “Carolina in My Mind” | Sign off- Flight to Charleston, SC
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Yellow tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, October 20, 2011

Tonight’s episode had some special surprises.  From a life size replica of Washington Crossing the Delaware to a duet of Going to Carolina with James Taylor, Stephen spoils us once again.  He’s gearing up for the Rock Me Like a Herman Cain South Cain-olina Primary Rally.  Any attending Hubsters, it is your duty to film this event and report to the Nation.  At ease.

Indecision 2012 – Troubled GOP Waters & Stephen Under Attack

Stephen recaps the recent GOP drama.  He briefly mentions Ricky Perry’s dropout and Romney’s Iate Iowa loss before ripping into Santorum for his “colossal blunder” over couches and who should be seated on them.  Forever the equal-opportunity-nailer, Stephen doesn’t leave out Gingrich whose extramarital affairs just won’t go away.  They are pesky like that.  Finally, he gets to the real news, the latest Super PAC ad attacking Stephen Colbert.

Notable Quotables

  • Rick Perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery.
  • For the record ladies and gentlemen let’s not forget, Rosa Parks did break the law.

I gotta rally in South Carolina tomorrow and I gotta make a plane. In fact, this is actually a pre-tape and I’m at the airport right now and they just called my flight. Flight Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen now boarding zone 2. (looks at ticket) Zone 4, s#*t! Well, at least I can finish my Cinnabon.

I'm sorry that is an affront to the sanctity of traditional sofa. You start accepting man on man couching and it's a slippery slope to accepting dog on couching.

Samuel L. Jackson: Enough is enough! I've had it with these money grubbing Super PACs messing with our Monday to Friday elections.

Colbert Super PAC – John Paul Stevens

Stephen sits down with Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens who was the dissenting vote in both Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.  During their lofty conversation Stephen tries to get out of a speeding ticket and asks the honorable Judge Stevens if he’s going to yell at him through the entire interview.

Notable Quotables

  • Can we get one of the real Supreme Court guys?  I don’t care if they’re in session just get me one of them.  How many- they’ve got like five of them.  Nine?
  • I was doing 90 in a school zone but that was only because I was drunk and I knew I had to get out of that neighborhood as fast as possible.  You know, to protect those kids.
  • Bush v. Gore, great Supreme Court decision or the greatest Supreme Court decision?
  • Did you go mad with power?  You know, “Scalia through the spanking machine”?
  • Who brought the walnut to the jam hoop?

What part of lifetime appointment don't you get sir? You're supposed to go your entire lifetime. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, you sound like a quitter... I'm ninety, I don't want to work everyday. That's the message to the kids.

William Rehnquist famously put stripes on his robes. Were you ever sort of tempted to zaz up your look? You know? Like this.

Interview 

John Paul Stevens:  You don’t suggest that corporations can do everything that persons can do?

Stephen:  They can.  There’s nothing I’d deny them that they wanted to do.

John Paul Stevens:  Well, I don’t know how a corporate person would drink a glass of water for example.

Stephen:  Well they could consume water in their own way.  A corporation makes nuclear reactors, consumes a great deal of water.  How they digest that water is different from yours but you don’t have any right to judge them for the way that they do it.

John Paul Stevens:  No, I think I do.

Stephen:  You do?  Why? Because you’re a Supreme Court Justice?

John Paul Stevens:  That’s right.

Stephen:  Okay, fantastic.

John Paul Stevens:  We have jurisdiction over corporations.

Stephen:  You’re a Supreme Court Justice, I’m not.  That gives you the right to judge things.

John Paul Stevens:  That’s right.

Stephen:   That’s very convenient.  Very convenient.

John Paul Stevens:  That’s part of your commission.  You have to do some judging.

Stephen:  Last question.

John Paul Stevens:  Sure.

Stephen:  Are there any decisions you made that you later regretted?

John Paul Stevens:  Other than this interview?

Stephen:  Yes.

John Paul Stevens:  I don’t think so.

Carrie Rebora Barratt

My guest tonight is the associate director of the collections at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It'll be the first time I nail somebody by nodding thoughtfully.

Carrie Rebora Barratt:  Have you been (to the Metropolitan Museum of Art)?

Stephen:  Have I been?  I have not.  I have not been.

Carrie Rebora Barratt:  Oh, well I’ll take you through.  Whenever you want.

Stephen:  Really.  That would be fantastic.

Carrie Rebora Barratt:  Absolutely, private tour

Stephen:  Can I lick the paintings?

……..

Carrie Rebora Barratt:  This was Christmas.  Christmas day 1776.  The Virginia militia is following their leader across the Delaware river to Trendton.

Stephen:  Right, and when they get to Trendton they are gonna stomp the hell out of some Hessians, right?  Merry Christmas!  Time to die.

…….

Carrie Rebora Barratt:  Stop!  It’s a fob.  It’s a fob.

Stephen:  Is that what you call it?  That’s a polite name for it.  And they’re bright red and tiny because it is so cold!

James Taylor & Stephen Colbert – “Carolina in My Mind”

Sign Off – Flight to Charleston, SC

Well, thank you. That is it for the Report everybody. Flight attendant: Now boarding zone 4. S#*t! I gotta go! Goodnight! See you at Charleston.

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