EPISODE NUMBER: 8015 (January 26, 2012)
GUESTS: Drew Barrymore
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: John Harwood | Katrina vanden Heuvel | David Cassidy
SEGMENTS: Colbert Super PAC Crisis Day 4 | Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel” | The Great Available Panel | Drew Barrymore | Sign Off – Football Throwing
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | Pale Blue Shirt | Navy tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 25, 2012
Colbert Super PAC Hostage Crisis – Day 4
Stephen started the show with a huge tease Hubsters! Will Jon release his hostage, Stephen’s precious baby, I mean, PAC? Will it have as much money as when he last seen it? Will he finally tell the Nation just how much cha-chang is in that thang? Tune in this Monday to find out.
My psychic prediction on how much moola Stephen’s Super PACing: let’s just say hoo, hoo, hoo, go on take the money and run.
He seems pretty confident he’s going to get it back so make sure to “give generously“!
- There was competing time signatures there for a moment. I’m glad 4/4 won.
Stephen bemoans the continuation of the republican primary. Focusing first on Mitt vs. Newt (otherwise known as Wonder Bread Boy™ vs. Frogman) before honing in on Newt and his dark side of the luna(tic) plans and past.
- Yes, the banks are feel the same thing that your feeling. When they look at your house they also think “that belongs to me”.
- Now, we’ve all heard the sordid details of Newt’s marital history so I do not need to dredge up how he married his high school math teacher. Left her for another woman when she had cancer. Then left that woman for a third woman when the second woman was diagnosed with an incurable case of Newt wanted some strange.
- Yes, he had to follow his heart or whatever was throbbing so loudly.
Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel”
Stephen is inspired by Sean Hannity for encouraging Meatloaf to share his political views.
- Folks, you know every night this show is just me, singlehandedly giving you your opinion. But recently I’ve noticed some shows let other people talk.
Stephen Colbert’s Great Available Panel
In the tradition of Sean Hannity, Stephen holds his own panel. Who had what it took to make the grade (other than availability)? Only the Chief Washington Correspondent for CNBC, John Harwood. Editor of Nation Magazine and friend of the show, Katrina vanden Heuvel. Last but not least… I think, Star of Stage and Screen, Best Selling Pop Star Artist, and recent First Person Voted Off Celebrity Apprentice, David Cassidy. That’s who.
The panel discusses Newt Gingrich’s electability and Connecticut Mayor Joseph Marturo’s rejectability.
Katrina: It’s basically screw and shaft
Stephen: Did you say a screw and a shaft? So a screw and a shaft. So, it’s double teaming the American people? It’s your image.
Stephen: Is it so PC now that you can’t have tacos? Is that what it is?
John: You can have tacos, you just can’t say repulsive things about Latinos when you’re talking about tacos.
Stephen: He didn’t, he said tacos. If-if he would say “I wouldn’t eat a taco. I would not eat a taco because it’s a filthy cuisine.” That would be.
Katrina: But the measure of what we say in his response, which was obscene . Was a measure of what happened in that city. Where Latinos were beaten, harrassed that’s you know, that’s the kind of mentality.
Stephen: But how does eating a taco hurt that?
Katrina: You don’t say that kind of thing. You don’t say that kind of thing.
Stephen: You’re the PC police, that’s the thought police, it’s the food police.
Anyone can answer this: best pie?
Interview: Drew Barrymore
Stephen: I’ve been a fan of yours ever since you were a kid. You’re not a kid now. Obviously you’re a mature woman. You’re a Hollywood power player. Can we talk about E.T. for a second, just real quick? Okay? You cry in that movie. Did Stephen Spielberg make you cry? Because if he harmed a hair on your head…
Drew: Are you gonna protect me?
Stephen: I will protect you. He is a jerk!
Stephen: Why did dad leave mom? You wanna know. Why are you guys alone?
Drew: You could call it the Where’s Mexico?, like, version. Cause I say that in the film. Nobody obviously got that but…
Stephen: No, I know. I understand. Where’s Mexico? That’s the heartbreaking moment.
Drew: That’s where the dad is! He’s in Mexico.
Stephen: I know that! You don’t have to tell me!
Drew: He’s in Mexico with Sally and then she goes and cries in the sink.
Stephen: I don’t like Sally.
Drew: Neither do I. She’s a whore.
Stephen: Thank you. Thank you.
Drew: Tom Brokaw was, apparently, a sucker for these stories.
Stephen: (as Brokaw) Ted loved whales. Three whales are trapped in the arctic ice and the ice cutters are making their way. This should- this should really be a movie.
Stephen: Is there an album of like, like whaling songs to go with this?
Drew: Do you happen to know of any good whale songs?
Stephen: Oh, there’s so- (sings) Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning. You sing that, you get that. Put a little Jay-Z on there or something like that. Mary J. Blige.
Drew: What if we did like, a Stephen Colbert, you know sings songs for the whales CD?
Stephen: *whale noise*
Sign-off- Football Throwing