January 26, 2012 — Drew Barrymore

The Colbert Report Episode Guide EPISODE NUMBER: 8015 (January 26, 2012)
GUESTS: Drew Barrymore
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: John Harwood | Katrina vanden Heuvel | David Cassidy
SEGMENTS: Colbert Super PAC Crisis Day 4 | Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel” | The Great Available Panel | Drew Barrymore | Sign Off – Football Throwing
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | Pale Blue Shirt | Navy tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, January 25, 2012

Colbert Super PAC Hostage Crisis – Day 4 

Stephen started the show with a huge tease Hubsters!  Will Jon release his hostage, Stephen’s precious baby, I mean, PAC?  Will it have as much money as when he last seen it? Will he finally tell the Nation just how much cha-chang is in that thang?  Tune in this Monday to find out.

My psychic prediction on how much moola Stephen’s Super PACing: let’s just say hoo, hoo, hoo, go on take the money and run.

He seems pretty confident he’s going to get it back so make sure to “give generously“!

Notable Quotables:

  • There was competing time signatures there for a moment.  I’m glad 4/4 won.
Stephen Colbert, Hostage Crisis, Super PAC

Jon Stewart will not give it back to me and Seal Team 6 won't answer my calls.

Stephen Colbert, Super PAC Hostage Day 4

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Indecision 2012

Stephen bemoans the continuation of the republican primary.  Focusing first on Mitt vs. Newt (otherwise known as Wonder Bread Boy™ vs. Frogman) before honing in on Newt and his dark side of the luna(tic) plans and past.

Notable Quotables:

  • Yes, the banks are feel the same thing that your feeling. When they look at your house they also think “that belongs to me”.
  • Now, we’ve all heard the sordid details of Newt’s marital history so I do not need to dredge up how he married his high school math teacher. Left her for another woman when she had cancer. Then left that woman for a third woman when the second woman was diagnosed with an incurable case of Newt wanted some strange.
  • Yes, he had to follow his heart or whatever was throbbing so loudly.
Stephen Colbert, Indecision 2012, Free Debate

Big republican debate tonight in Florida, it is the 19th of the season. One more and they win a free debate.

Stephen Colbert, Mitt Romney

Mitt's not out to win a popularity contest, he is out to win an election. How do those work? Oh, he's up s#*t's creek!

Stephen Colbert, Washington DC

That's right, the moon is going to be a state. Suck it Washington D.C. Suck it dipped in Tang.

Stephen Colbert, Klausterfokken

Yes, there is no English word for that kind of melt down. The closest is the German "Klausterfokken". Now... compound word klauster-fokken. Foo-ken, Foo-ken.

Stephen Colbert, Newt Gingrich

Someone without Dr. Ablo's psychiatric insight might misdiagnose Newt as a sociopathic pussy hound. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I pray that doesn't happen.

Sean Hannity’s “The Great American Panel”

Stephen is inspired by Sean Hannity for encouraging Meatloaf to share his political views.

Notable Quotables:

  • Folks, you know every night this show is just me, singlehandedly giving you your opinion.  But recently I’ve noticed some shows let other people talk.
The Colbert Report, Meatloaf

Finally, finally a forum for Meatloaf to express his political views. Until now they were only on his album Farm Subsidies out of hell.

Stephen Colbert’s Great Available Panel

In the tradition of Sean Hannity, Stephen holds his own panel. Who had what it took to make the grade (other than availability)? Only the Chief Washington Correspondent for CNBC, John Harwood. Editor of Nation Magazine and friend of the show, Katrina vanden Heuvel. Last but not least… I think, Star of Stage and Screen, Best Selling Pop Star Artist, and recent First Person Voted Off Celebrity Apprentice, David Cassidy. That’s who.

The panel discusses Newt Gingrich’s electability and Connecticut Mayor Joseph Marturo’s rejectability.

Notable Quotables

Katrina: It’s basically screw and shaft

Stephen: Did you say a screw and a shaft? So a screw and a shaft. So, it’s double teaming the American people? It’s your image.

***

Stephen: Is it so PC now that you can’t have tacos? Is that what it is?

John: You can have tacos, you just can’t say repulsive things about Latinos when you’re talking about tacos.

Stephen: He didn’t, he said tacos. If-if he would say “I wouldn’t eat a taco. I would not eat a taco because it’s a filthy cuisine.” That would be.

Katrina: But the measure of what we say in his response, which was obscene . Was a measure of what happened in that city. Where Latinos were beaten, harrassed that’s you know, that’s the kind of mentality.

Stephen: But how does eating a taco hurt that?

Katrina: You don’t say that kind of thing. You don’t say that kind of thing.

Stephen: You’re the PC police, that’s the thought police, it’s the food police.

Stephen Colbert, Available Panel, Cab Receipts

First of all, Great Available Panel, do you have your cab receipts? Thank you very much. (Mr. Harwood: I didn't put the tip on there yet.) Oh that's alright, that's alright, we don't reimburse for tips. Okay? Okay and we'll get a check out to you guys in twelve to eighteen weeks. Thank you so much.

The Colbert Report, John Harwood

Well, first of all, I'm in an open marriage with my political predictions right now.

Katrina Bandenhovel, The Colbert Report

(On Newt Gingrich) He is a street fighter with a poisonous history. Race baiter. Baits the liberal, mythic liberal media and this is a guy who will go as low as he can to rile up the base.

The Colbert Report, Available Panel, Nail

John Harwood: But you're still attracted to him.

David Cassidy, The Colbert Report, Sings

You know what the constituents there, in his little town are going to say? "Vaya con dios a mi Mayor!"

Anyone can answer this: best pie?

John Harwood, Apple Pie, The Colbert Report

John: Apple pie. Stephen: Wrong!

Katrina Bandenhovel, The Colbert Report, American Pie

Katrina: American Pie. Stephen: Close.

David Cassidy, The Colbert Report, Lost

Stephen: That too much of a hard ball question for you? David: Wait, I mean, I'm lost.

Stephen Colbert, Blueberry Pie

By the way, the answer is blueberry.

Katrina Bandenhovel, David Cassidy, The Colbert Report

I’m glad I didn’t know you were that kind of capitalist when I used to kiss your poster on my wall.

Katrina Bandenhovel, David Cassidy, The Colbert Report

I believe he asked me.

Interview: Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore, Stephen Colbert, Handshake

My guest tonight is in a new movie about whales trapped under the arctic ice. It must be a period piece about when there was arctic ice.

Stephen:  I’ve been a fan of yours ever since you were a kid.  You’re not a kid now.  Obviously you’re a mature woman.  You’re a Hollywood power player.  Can we talk about E.T. for a second, just real quick?  Okay? You cry in that movie.  Did Stephen Spielberg make you cry?  Because if he harmed a hair on your head…

Drew:   Are you gonna protect me?

Stephen:  I will protect you.  He is a jerk!

***

Stephen:  Why did dad leave mom?  You wanna know.  Why are you guys alone?

Drew:  You could call it the Where’s Mexico?, like, version.  Cause I say that in the film. Nobody obviously got that but…

Stephen:  No, I know.  I understand.  Where’s Mexico?  That’s the heartbreaking moment.

Drew:  That’s where the dad is!  He’s in Mexico.

Stephen:  I know that!  You don’t have to tell me!

Drew:  He’s in Mexico with Sally and then she goes and cries in the sink.

Stephen:  I don’t like Sally.

Drew:  Neither do I.  She’s a whore.

Stephen:  Thank you.  Thank you.

***

Drew:  Tom Brokaw was, apparently, a sucker for these stories.

Stephen:  (as Brokaw) Ted loved whales.  Three whales are trapped in the arctic ice and the ice cutters are making their way.  This should- this should really be a movie.

Drew Barrymore, Stephen Colbert, heart

Stephen: Is there an album of like, like whaling songs to go with this?

Drew:  Do you happen to know of any good whale songs?

Stephen:  Oh, there’s so-  (sings) Hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises, hooray and up she rises early in the morning.  You sing that, you get that.  Put a little Jay-Z on there or something like that.  Mary J. Blige.

Drew: What if we did like, a Stephen Colbert, you know sings songs for the whales CD?

Stephen:  *whale noise*


Stephen Colbert, Whale

Sign-off- Football Throwing

Stephen Colbert, Football, Goodnight

That's it for the Report everybody. Goodnight!

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2 thoughts on “January 26, 2012 — Drew Barrymore

    • You’re absolutely right and I apologize for the mistake. I’d trusted my closed caption (a mistake, I’m not likely to make again) but fortunately caught the error before it published on The Colbert News Hub. Unfortunately, I forgot to come back and fix it on my private page. It’s not the best excuse but nights where I do episode guides are all nighters.

      I hope any mistakes will be forgiven but always feel free to point them out. That’s how you learn ^_^ Thanks for visiting the site Robin and thanks for bringing it to my attention.

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