EPISODE NUMBER: 8016 (January 30, 2012)
GUESTS: Laurence H. Tribe
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE: Jon Stewart |
SEGMENTS: Colbert Super PAC- The Chase | Colbert Super PAC- Return of the PAC | ThreatDown – Barack Obama, Fundamentalist Flippers & Coked Up Diplomats | Indecision 2012- Hispanic Vote | Laurence Tribe | Sign Off: Shouting Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Red tie, blue spots
VIDEOS: Monday, January 30, 2012
Colbert Super PAC- The Chase
No time for love, Dr. Jones. Let’s get to it!
Stephen: John Oliver, oh my God!
John: No way!
Stephen: So great to see you.
John: You too, huge fan.
Stephen: Hey, would you ever want to do a project together?
John: I would love that!
Jon: Excuse me? Chase scene?
Stephen: Oh, I’m sorry. I gotta go.
Jon: Hey buddy.
Stephen: It’s over Jon.
Jon: We can share the money! I don’t need all of it, I just-
Jon: I just need some of it. Think of the money-
Jon: We’ve just grown very close and I just really don’t think that I-
Stephen: Shhhhhhh. (presses his finger against Jon’s mouth) Jon.
Jon: Don’t make me give it back Stephen. I just, I can’t. I can’t give the money back.
Stephen: Don’t worry Jon, you don’t have to give the money back.
Jon: Oh. Oh, dear! No!
Stephen: You don’t have to give it to me Jon. I’m gonna take it from you.
Jon: Stephen, don’t take it, oh!
Colbert Super PAC- Return of the PAC
After taking his Super PAC powers back from Jon, Stephen is raring to go and ready to file paper work. Not just any paper work. Super PAPERWORK, containing everything you want to know (kind of) about what’s been going on under the sheets of American’s for A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow. How much has he raised? Try $1,023,121.24. For the record, that twenty four cents, I donated that.
- It’s just in time folks because tomorrow is January 31st. and of course, we’ll all be celebrating Black History Month Eve. Waiting for Frederick Douglass to come down the chimney to fill our stockings with guilt.
- It’s a great day for transparency because tomorrow voters in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida will finally have the vital information that would have been useful before they voted.
This filing also contains the names of every donor who gave us more than $200. Great Americans like Ibin Yerkinoff, Harry Ballsagna, Pat Magroin, and Frumunda Mabalz. And I just want to take a second here to thank all of you donors from unda my heart.
ThreatDown – Barack Obama, Fundamentalist Flippers & Coked Up Diplomats
Even though Stephen’s beloved PAC has been returned safely to him there is still much to fear in these troubling times. Luckily, we have Stephen to tell us in what order to fear them. Surprisingly, Obama’s smooth soul music only landed in third for seducing American’s away from the GOP. Hard to contend with terrorist dolphins seduced by an ocean zombie Bin Ladin and coke heads, I guess.
- Remember that story about brain eating amoebas in Louisiana tap water? I really should have reported on that.
- Oh my God! I think I just ovulated.
- Yes, they have trained dolphins to sweep for mines. Amazing! Yet, I can’t even get mine to rake the yard. Get back to work Kevin!
Threat #3: President Obama
Obama’s gonna be unstoppable in 2012. What other sultry talents could he pull out to woo the voters? Making us home cooked frittatas in bed? Giving speeches in Italian? He knows I can’t resist a man who calls me principessa.
At least in the last election we had Jon McCain and his singing group. And he would have run if that house hadn’t fallen on his running mate… She will be missed.
Gentlemen team up into one super group and go the full KISS.
Threat # 2: Fundamentalist Flippers
We must abandon this dolphin initiative before it is too late and they declare Jiiiiiiiiihad. Didn’t know I spoke Arabic did you?
Threat #3: Coked Up Diplomats
I can just see Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon getting jacked up on the albino rhino and announcing, “F*@k it! Lets make one of these resolutions binding. God! (sniffs) God, I just love, I love enforcing sanctions. Syria, you’re an asshole! Make out with me now!
As we speak they’re probably on a thirty-six hour, sleepless diplomacy binge. With their headphones on saying, “Dude! You have got to hear this translation! No, no, no! Play it back. Aw, s#*t! That is so nuanced. It’s like a translation inside a translation, inside a condemnation of Israel.
You guys, you know what? Let’s start a social media company, I’m serious! Do you have any idea how easy it would be to cure Malaria? We just need mosquito nets and potable water and we can wipe out hunger! Punch me in the face, right now! Don’t we know Bono? One love, one love, one life. You got to do what you should. I’m so sad! What time is it? S#*t! I gotta go to bed!
Indecision 2012- Hispanic Vote
Does anyone else feel like we’re closing in on the end of a really bad reality TV show? You know, the one where the two people you really didn’t want to win make it to the end and the only one with any real talent takes third?
Stephen examines their final bid for America’s Next GOP Candidate and supports Newt’s feo faux pas concerning the Hispanic community.
- The two leading GOP candidates are going all out for the Hispanic vote but for some reason, Hispanics get nervous when Republican’s say they’re coming for them.
- Yes, everybody knows that when Newt says” ghetto”, he’s talking about Spanish being the language of Jewish neighborhoods in the middle ages.
Hey, we all endorse things we don’t know about. I have no idea how my face got on to every package of “Stephen Colbert’s Horsey Hoofsicles”.
Stephen: Hey, get outta here you ghetto hooligans!
Jewish Hooligan: Back off hombre, for we are both loco and mishugina!
Stephen: Oh, here they go, here they go with that ghetto music.
Hispanic Hooligan: Ghetto music? You have a lot of chutzpah mi hermano.
Stephen: Just leave my studio and I will not call los federales.
Jewish Hooligan: Oy vey, amigo! Let’s leave this schlemiel and go take a siesta.
Hispanic Hooligan: But first, we will nosh on some enchiladas.
Jewish Hooligan: Via con Shalom!
Stephen: LEARN ENGLISH, YOU NO GOODNIKS!
Interview: Laurence H. Tribe
My guest tonight is a professor of constitutional law at Harvard who taught President Obama. You know what they say, those who can do, those who can also become professors of constitutional law at Harvard who taught President Obama.
Stephen: Was it hard to teach (Chief Justice Roberts)? ‘Cause those crystal blue things, I just fall into every time I see ’em.
Laurence: I’m not sure how much of what I taught actually, actually made a difference.
Stephen: Really? Really? So, his, his.. you don’t see your influence in his decisions?
Laurence: Actually, when he was swearing in the President I felt pretty good, you know? One guy I taught swearing the other in and then they both got the oath wrong. So I thought, you know, maybe I really screwed up.
Stephen: You should have, when teaching constitutional law you should have taught the constitution.
Laurence: Well, I-I try. I tried. It’s short.
Stephen: The constitution? How important is it? Because… Seriously! People talk about it a lot and there are great things in there. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Four score and seven years. Beer before liquor. All the good stuff’s in there. But how is it important for us to like, know it on a daily- How does it affect my life on a daily basis?
Laurence: You know, it keeps the government out of your bedroom. It keeps the…
Stephen: Not always, not always. Right?
Laurence: Well, you know, if you’re just, you know, being a normal human being.
Stephen: So, what’s a normal person like in their bedroom, Larry?
Laurence: Well, it’s none of the government’s business. That’s the main point.
Stephen: What is your favorite amendment?
Laurence: It’s the ninth, that’s my favorite.
Stephen: Really? Mine’s the nineteenth.
Laurence: Enfranchising women. That’s good too.
Stephen: Giving women the right to vote. Isn’t that right, ladies?
Laurence: Don’t you want to know why I like the ninth amendment?
Laurence: I thought you might want to know why I liked the ninth amendment.
Stephen: Not particularly. Why do you like the ninth amendment?
Laurence: Because it’s the one that says there are things in the constitution that haven’t been figured out yet. There are things that aren’t written down. Like privacy. Constitution doesn’t say there’s a right to privacy.
Stephen: Really? So, the ninth amendment basically says “or whateva”?
Sign Off- Shouting Goodnight
That’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight!