EPISODE NUMBER: 8029 (March 1, 2012)
GUESTS: Claire Danes
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush | People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers | Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes | Claire Danes | Sign Off: Jeb Bushe’s Portrait. SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Light blue shirt | Periwinkle tie VIDEOS: Thursday, March 1, 2012
Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush
Stephen once again bemoans the inevitability of Mitt Romney. It should be quite humorous when Mitt gets the nomination and Stephen does a 180, just like the Republican party and shall we say, conservative pundits are guaranteed to do. The GOP are so nervous about they’re considering throwing a last minute jebbernaut in the ring.
- No matter how much it pains me to say it, Mitt Romney’s got the momentum… or mittmentum… or momittmum, whatever.
- With Super Tuesday coming next week, I’m not sure what day. We’ll check that out.
People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers
Stephen profiles Pace, Florida high school teacher, Dawn Quarles. Ms. Quarles apparently committed voter fraud by helping (I mean… frauding?) her teen age students to register to vote. She did this in the hopes of creating lifelong voters who would make their voices heard in our political landscape and she plans to do it again. Clearly, Ms. Quarles is a threat. She is certainly being treated as such by the Floridian government who fined her $1,000. She failed to file the voter registration forms within the 48 hour time frame. That’ll teach her to be tardy!
- Rich Glorioso– If somebody breaks into your car and steals your stuff because you didn’t lock your car. Well, then do you lock it later on or do you lock your car today? Stephen– See? It’s simple. The car is the voting booth. The lock is the law. Your stuff is the ballot and the thief is the… oh, oh wait a minute. Um, okay. The lock is the law. The car is the ballot. Wait, no, stop, stop. The car is the law. The booth is the ballot. Your stuff is the thief and… f*@k it! Fraud!
Stephen- However it works, the law protects the students from vote predators like Dawn Quarles.
Howard- This law uses the threat of fraud to basically try to make it more difficult for black people and college students and young people and language minorities from voting.
Stephen- Why would they want to do that?
Howard- They tend to vote democratic and they voted overwhelmingly for President Obama.
Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes
According to Iraq journal vol. LXXIII, scientists have found the oldest yo mama joke. Yes, the oldest yo mama joke has been discovered at last but alas, unlike yo mama this one doesn’t give happy endings. Or any endings for that matter as the 3,500 year old, Babylonian stone tablet it was carved into was broken and the punch line lost to time. Or is it? Stephen is on the case and is as determined to find the missing climax of the joke as he was King Tuts penis. After all, it’s hard having one without the other.
- And just how fat was she? When she sat around the ziggurat did she sit ‘around’ the ziggurat?
- We may never understand the true mystery of this even earlier yo mama joke but scholars suspect it was hilarious because a nearby shard of pottery has been translated to read, “Aw, snap!”
Claire: She’s doing well until, until she gets blown up.
Stephen: That tends to take a spring out of your step.
Stephen: How did you, how did you study this? I mean, did you- Some say, I’m not an actor but some actors say that they have to find something within themselves that’s like the character. Is there anything in you that is bipolar? And this is a safe, safe space. None of this will be broadcast, go.
Claire: Oh, I really, really hope not. I really, really hope not. Um, so far, so good (knocks on wood). Um, but no. It was- It is make believe but no, it was fascinating to learn about. Uh, I had to learn-
Stephen: How did you? Like, how do you learn about bipolar disorder and the CIA at the same time.
Claire: Yeah, it was kinda like that (pats head and rubs belly) for awhile.
Stephen: That’s what bipolar means. That’s one of the signs, it’s one of the early signs right there.
Stephen:… Do you see any sort of connection between bipolar, uh, behavior and sort of the inherent paranoia that’s necessary for spy work?
Claire: Well, I don’t know, I think that… Look. It’s very lonely to be a CIA officer and I think it’s probably quite lonely to, uh, to be bipolar. Um, I don’t-
Stephen: Claire, Claire?
Stephen: Is it lonely to be Claire Danes? Again, this is a safe space.
Claire: Um, oh not, not cripplingly so. Not, not yet.
Stephen: Can I- Can I criticize you for a second?
Claire: Yes, please!
Stephen: You know, this show, as far as I can tell, twelve episodes so far?
Claire: Uh, Yes.
Stephen: Okay, no enhanced interrogation. No enhanced interrogation at all. That’s how the CIA learns things. That’s how we know. Why? Why? I mean, you’re an actress. Don’t you have an urge to improvise? Like, stuff a wet rag in someone’s mouth at any point?
Claire: Well, I actually learned that they’re not even called interrogations anymore. They’re called ‘interviews’ because interrogation is too pejorative.
Stephen: Oh, really?
Claire: Yeah. So-
Stephen: They should call them play dates.
Sign Off- Jeb Bush’s Portrait