March 1, 2012 — Claire Danes

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8029 (March 1, 2012)
GUESTS: Claire Danes
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush | People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers | Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes | Claire Danes | Sign Off: Jeb Bushe’s Portrait. SUIT REPORT:  Gray Suit | Light blue shirt | Periwinkle tie  VIDEOS: Thursday, March 1, 2012

Stephen Colbert

Indecision 2012- Countdown to Loving Mitt- Maybe Jeb Bush 

Stephen once again bemoans the inevitability of Mitt Romney.  It should be quite humorous when Mitt gets the nomination and Stephen does a 180, just like the Republican party and shall we say, conservative pundits are guaranteed to do.  The GOP are so nervous about they’re considering throwing a last minute jebbernaut in the ring.

Notable Quotables

  • No matter how much it pains me to say it, Mitt Romney’s got the momentum… or mittmentum… or momittmum, whatever.
  • With Super Tuesday coming next week, I’m not sure what day.  We’ll check that out.
Stephen Colbert and the Cheney Family

Wyoming, cradle of Cheney's. Why do you think it's so sparsley populated? They must kill to stay alive. Circle of life.

Stephen Colbert and the Bush Family

Of course! Jeb Bush. America is hungry for another leader from that talented family. The Bush presidential trilogy will finally be complete with the Return of the Jebi.

Stephen's scared of Mitt

Stop clicking! Take it down, Jimmy, I'm scared!

People Who Are Destroying America- Teachers

Stephen profiles Pace, Florida high school teacher, Dawn Quarles.  Ms. Quarles apparently committed voter fraud by helping (I mean… frauding?) her teen age students to register to vote.  She did this in the hopes of creating lifelong voters who would make their voices heard in our political landscape and she plans to do it again.  Clearly, Ms. Quarles is a threat.  She is certainly being treated as such by the Floridian government who fined her $1,000.  She failed to file the voter registration forms within the 48 hour time frame.  That’ll teach her to be tardy!

Notable Quotables

  • Rich Glorioso– If somebody breaks into your car and steals your stuff because you didn’t lock your car.  Well, then do you lock it later on or do you lock your car today?                                                                  Stephen– See?  It’s simple.  The car is the voting booth.  The lock is the law.  Your stuff is the ballot and the thief is the… oh, oh wait a minute.   Um, okay.  The lock is the law.  The car is the ballot.  Wait, no, stop, stop.  The car is the law.  The booth is the ballot.  Your stuff is the thief and… f*@k it!  Fraud!
Stephen Colbert

Nation, it's 11:36. Do you know where your children are? This episode's gonna rerun three times tomorrow. Do you know where your children are then? Let's face it. The second your kids walk out the door to "school", you have no way of knowing that they're not off vodka eyeballing at a rainbow party. Playing the choking game to get a dare bracelet. Don't know what a dare bracelet is? Ask your kids. They'll claim I just made it up to scare you. Well, with so many threats to your child's innocence; there is some good news. I just found another one: Teachers.

Howard Simon

Director of the American Civil Liberties Union and casual man, Howard Simon.

Dawn Quarles fraud

Dawn: I did not make it within the 48 hours. Stephen: Fraud! Dawn: I did not know- Stephen: I said fraud! Dawn: that I had to. Stephen: Fraud, fraud, fraud!

Rich Glorioso

State representative Rich Glorioso is one of the brave law makers who came out of the shadows to support this anti-fraud bill.

 Dawn, Destroyer

Stephen- However it works, the law protects the students from vote predators like Dawn Quarles.

Howard- This law uses the threat of fraud to basically try to make it more difficult for black people and college students and young people and language minorities from voting.

Stephen- Why would they want to do that?

Howard- They tend to vote democratic and they voted overwhelmingly for President Obama.

Stephen- Fraud!

Stephen Colbert

Remember girls, if it gets around that you voted no boy is going to want to vote with you. So wait until you're married and then vote the way your husband tells you to.

Rich Glorioso

Stephen Colbert’s Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown- Yo Mama Jokes

According to Iraq journal vol. LXXIII, scientists have found the oldest yo mama joke.  Yes, the oldest yo mama joke has been discovered at last but alas, unlike yo mama this one doesn’t give happy endings.  Or any endings for that matter as the 3,500 year old, Babylonian stone tablet it was carved into was broken and the punch line lost to time.  Or is it?  Stephen is on the case and is as determined to find the missing  climax of the joke as he was King Tuts penis. After all, it’s hard having one without the other.

Notable Quotables

  • And just how fat was she?  When she sat around the ziggurat did she sit ‘around’ the ziggurat?
  • We may never understand the true mystery of this even earlier yo mama joke but scholars suspect it was hilarious because a nearby shard of pottery has been translated to read, “Aw, snap!”
Stephen Colbert

This earliest yo mama joke is said to predate even the earliest Biblical yo mama joke from Genesis 4:8 "and Abel said unto Cain 'Yo mama so fat she doesn't wear a fig leaf, she wears a fig tree!', and Cain did slay his brother."

Stephen Colbert, Dates

So many questions, I mean, who was this mama? Who did she have intercourse with? And did she really enjoy the fruit of the Euphrates valley, big black dates?

Amen-Gal-Agher (hieroglyphic Gallagher)

Folks, this is the first major development in pre-Christian zingology since the discovery of hieroglyphics depicting the ancient Egyptian performer, Amen-Gal-Agher smashing a pomegranate with his Ankh-o-matic.

Gallagher, sledge-o-matic

© Rick Kern

Stephen Colbert, Yo mama

Perhaps this tablet may even help us understand this passage from the Code of Hammurabi that has puzzled scholars for years, "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, except for yo mama cuz she only got one of each."

Claire Danes

Claire Danes and Stephen Colbert

My guest tonight plays a bipolar CIA agent in the show Homeland. That means she's both good cop and bad cop.

Claire: She’s doing well until, until she gets blown up.

Stephen: That tends to take a spring out of your step.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen: How did you, how did you study this? I mean, did you-  Some say, I’m not an actor but some actors say that they have to find something within themselves that’s like the character.  Is there anything in you that is bipolar?  And this is a safe, safe space.  None of this will be broadcast, go.

Claire: Oh, I really, really hope not.  I really, really hope not.  Um, so far, so good (knocks on wood).  Um, but no. It was- It is make believe but no, it was fascinating to learn about. Uh, I had to learn-

Stephen: How did you? Like, how do you learn about bipolar disorder and the CIA at the same time.

Claire: Yeah, it was kinda like that (pats head and rubs belly) for awhile.

Stephen:  That’s what bipolar means.  That’s one of the signs, it’s one of the early signs right there.

Claire Danes, Colbert Report

Stephen:… Do you see any sort of connection between bipolar, uh, behavior and sort of the inherent paranoia that’s necessary for spy work?

Claire:  Well, I don’t know, I think that…  Look.  It’s very lonely to be a CIA officer and I think it’s probably quite lonely to, uh, to be bipolar.  Um, I don’t-

Stephen:  Claire, Claire?

Claire:  Yes?

Stephen: Is it lonely to be Claire Danes?  Again, this is a safe space.

Claire: Um, oh not, not cripplingly so.  Not, not yet.

Stephen: Can I- Can I criticize you for a second?

Claire: Yes, please!

Stephen Colbert and Claire Danes

Stephen:   You know, this show, as far as I can tell, twelve episodes so far?

Claire: Uh, Yes.

Stephen:  Okay, no enhanced interrogation.  No enhanced interrogation at all.  That’s how the CIA learns things.  That’s how we know.  Why?  Why?  I mean, you’re an actress.  Don’t you have an urge to improvise?  Like, stuff a wet rag in someone’s mouth at any point?

Claire:  Well, I actually learned that they’re not even called interrogations anymore.  They’re called ‘interviews’ because interrogation is too pejorative.

Stephen:  Oh, really?

Stephen Colbert and Claire Danes

Claire:  Yeah. So-

Stephen:  They should call them play dates.

Sign Off- Jeb Bush’s Portrait 

Stephen Colbert and Jeb Bush's portrait

Well, that's it for The Report everybody, goodnight.


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