March 5, 2012 — Audra McDonald

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8030 (March 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Audra McDonald
SEGMENTS: Indecision 2012 – Countdown to Loving Mitt – Super Tuesday | March 5, 2012 – Pt. 1 | Sport Report – Pete Weber, Danica Patrick & the New Orleans Saints | Audra McDonald | Audra McDonald – “Summertime”
SUIT REPORT:  Black pinstripe suit | White Shirt | Powder blue tie
VIDEOS: Monday, March 5, 2012

Indecision 2012 – Countdown to Loving Mitt – Super Tuesday

Notable Quotables 

  • The Report will be your complete source for wall to wall Super Tuesday coverage that I tape before the polls close, edit down to a half an hour, and then air at 11:30.
  •  But we will have the most up to the minute guesstimates and informative make-em-ups.

And of course, I'll be joined by the whole Colbert Report election team. Me...

It's just bad luck for the bride to see the man you agreed to marry before you want to.

March 5, 2012 – Pt. 1

Rush Limbaugh’s got it bad for Sandra Fluke and that ain’t good.  Rush lambasted Ms. Fluke, who had the audacity to speak out in favor of health care coverage for contraceptives.  He drew the logical conclusion that if a woman was in favor of such a thing, she likely has men lined up around the block.  Unlike Rush, who uses his own natural birth control technique: being Rush Limbaugh.  Limbaugh was amazed that Sandra was even able to walk.  In Ms. Fluke’s defense, some might find it equally surprising that Rush is able to walk as well.  It can’t be an easy task, when you’re so sexually frustrated you’d settle for watching free birth control porn.

Notable Quotables

  • Last week congress held a who’s who of who doesn’t have ovaries.
  • Good point, Rush. She’s a slut and a prostitute?  That’s two jobs and she still can’t afford her own birth control?  Come on!
  • If the tax payers are going to pay for it, we should be able to watch.  That’s why I’ve always said there should be a dedicated YouTube channel for Medicare patients colonoscopies. Come on Mr. Wiengardner, we paid for a peek at those polyps you butt slut!
  • I don’t think Rush should have apologized for calling her a prostitute.  I mean, it takes one to know one.  And remember, he only apologized to keep his advertisers.  Proving Rush will do anything with his mouth for cash.

I want to take a moment to talk about the most important issue to voters this year, contraception. This affront to decency comes in many forms: condoms, the pill, the diaphragm, the sponge, the Sham-Wow. It works, it works.

That angered radio host and poster boy for contraception, Rush Limbaugh.

Now, as a Catholic, I endorse only the rhythm method. This is when you "do it" while listening to the Miami Sound Machine. Watch out sperm, the rhythm is gonna getcha.

Yes, because that's how the pill works. The more sex you have, the more birth control pills you have to take. It's one for each sperm. They act like little baby deflectors... And Rush knows what he's talking about because every time he's had sex with a woman, he's had to slip her a pill first.

Yes, slut and prostitute is not the language Mitt would've used. He might've used trollop or wanton harlot or bow-legged dumpster skank.

No surprise there folks, all these products clearly endorse the slut lifestyle. Mattresses to do it on, flowers to thank her for the slutting, and quicken spread sheets to organize who you're going to spread it quick for under the sheets. And legal zoom we all know is just shot for legal zoom zoom a zoom and a boom boom.

Sport Report – Pete Weber, Danica Patrick & the New Orleans Saints

Tonight’s Sport Report took a long hard look at Pete Weber’s freak out over winning the US Open in bowling, Ross Shimabuku’s cat fight with Danica Patrick over whether she’s sexy or a… b*!@h, and the unbelievable *snorts* news that NFL players are not only encouraged to injure each other but actually bribed to do it.

Notable Quotables:

  • I’m sorry Danica, Ross is a friend and he’s got a point here.   If you don’t want to be thought of as sexy don’t poise for the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue, or FHM, or take your clothes off in that Go Daddy.com commercial or that other Go Daddy.com commercial, or shower with a woman in that other Go Daddy.com commercial.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say, she may have go daddy issues.
  • Yes, I am shocked, shocked I tell you!   That NFL players are being paid bonuses to injure each other?  They’re already paid a base salary to injure each other.

Pete Weber: G*d d@^n it, yes! That is right! I did it! I’m level five! Are you kidding me? That’s right! What do you think you are? I am!

Yeah! Who do you think you are? I am! Who’s your daddy? That’s why! Don’t mess with Texas! Jake, it’s Chinatown! This is the Sport Report!

Ross Shimabuku: Oh, I got a few words, it starts with a b and it’s not beautiful. Stephen: Is it b-sexy?

Young lady, if you want to be taken seriously as a competitor you stick to your sport the way male athletes do. Like Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez, and David Beckham. Here he is, just playing soccer. I think that’s soccer, I’m certainly seeing some balls. And Beckham appears to be bending it.

Audra McDonald  

My Guest tonight is starring on Broadway in a revival of Gershwins’ Porgy and Bess. Bess, you is my guest now.

Stephen: Now Bess, she lives there in Charleston and she goes off to New York.  I lived in Charleston and I went to New York.  So this play’s kind of about me.

Audra:  Well, see.. sort of not because it’s-

Stephen: But how? Oh, ’cause I’m- ’cause I’m not black?  That’s why.

Audra:  No, you’re not black.  Seriously, you’re not black.  It was written by Caucasian men however about African American life.

Stephen:  We prefer to be called white Americans.

Audra:  White Americans?  I’m sorry…  Yes, it was written by DuBose Heyward and George Gershwin and Ira Gershwin.

****

Audra:  We’ve eliminated as much of the racial sort of things that would make them more archetypes and stereotypes as we possibly can.

Stephen:  So if you go see it you will not be a racist.  You don’t have to be a racist to enjoy it is what I’m saying.

Audra:  No, although maybe racists would enjoy it as well.  I don’t know.

Stephen:  It’s for everyone!  It’s for everyone!

Audra:  Well, you know, Bess is a liqueur guzzling slut, is what they call her.  So I imagine Rush Limbaugh would love it.  Love it!

Stephen: And I’m sure he’s had his share of enjoying the ‘happy powder’.

Audra:  Yes, the happy dust.  Yeah.

****

Stephen: Um, can white people do this production?  Is it mostly black people?  Or can white people do Porgy and Bess.

Audra:  I’m gonna tell you what, the are a couple of A- uh, Caucasians… wh-what do you like to be called?  White men.

Stephen:  White Americans.

Audra:  White Americans.

Stephen:  White male Americans if you want to be specific.

Audra:  Well, there are a couple-

Stephen:  Or whitey.

Audra:  Or whitey?

Stephen:  Yeah, that’s what we call each other.  You can’t call us that.

Audra:  I can’t-

Stephen:  We can only call each other that.

Audra:  There’s a couple of, of… whiteys in the show.  Um, but they’re sort of outsiders that come in and sort of stir up a little bit of trouble.   There was an all white version in uh, I think Denmark during the Nazi, the Nazi era and it got shut down.

Stephen: Yeah, the Nazi’s really captured the spirit of Gershwin on that one.

Audra McDonald – “Summertime”

Summertime,
And the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’
And the cotton is high
Your daddy’s rich
And your mamma’s good lookin’
So hush little baby
Don’t you cry
One of these mornings
You’re going to rise up singing
Then you’ll spread your wings
And you’ll take to the sky
But till that morning

(tell your story whitey)

There’s a’nothing can harm you
With daddy and mamma standing by

Summertime,
And the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’
And the cotton is high
Your daddy’s rich
And your mamma’s good lookin’
So hush little baby
Don’t you cry

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