March 6, 2012 — Jonathan Safran Foer

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8031 (March 6, 2012)
GUESTS: Jonathan Safran Foer
SEGMENTS:  Super Tuesday Party, Putin’s Win & India’s State Assembly | The Word – Due or Die| Thought for Food – Responsible Snacking & Second Breakfast  | Jonathan Safran Foer | Sign Off – Good Catch
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | White shirt | Grey and black diagonal striped tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Super Tuesday Party, Putin’s Win & India’s State Assembly

Stephen celebrates Super Tuesday with raw bratwursts, mayo salsa, transvaginal margaritas, and just for Mitt: some caffeine free diet coke.  In lieu of having any results for the American election he turns to international affairs and delivers some stunning and solemn news about chlamydia’s spec-ual identity.

Notable Quotables:

  • This is it, tonight it is Super Tuesday.  It is like the Super Bowl of politics.  If the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself.
  • I got a keg of beer back here.  And in case Romney wins, I got a keg of caffeine-free diet coke.
  • Chlamydia is not a flower, sad.

And just like the Super Bowl, I have painted my face with the team colors: white.

And I am having a little tailgate party here. First of all, I am cooking up some brats for all of us. Oh, mmm, mmm, mmm… Here on the ol’ smoky joe. Unfortunately, this is not a real grill. Okay. Evidentially, big government “fire marshal” wants us to avoid “carbon monoxide poisoning”. Jokes on him when you all get trichinosis from these uncooked brats.

Of course, we can’t have a party without a batch of some of my famous republican salsa. It’s mostly mayonnaise… with a dash miracle whip. A little spicy.

And oh, oh, oh, I’m mixing up some margaritaaaaas! I could not find my blender so instead I’m using a transvaginal ultrasound wand. Mmm, mmm, mmm… Oh, yeah, mmm. You know, usually, usually at my parties, this thing doesn’t come out until after the margaritas… That is salty.

Yeah, everyone’s getting all relaxed and average, okay? Trying to connect. Trying to connect with the blue collar voters. I’m just going to roll up my sleeves right here and of course, as an average joe, I’m going to break out the lunch pail and strap on my blue collar.

Now, now I’m just an average… just an average working joe. Hey, fellas! Let’s head over to the factory plant and foundry us some metal goods. Welding, am I right? You know, some of my best friends own this company.

It seems Gandhi and the national congress tried to Curry favor with the state of Uttar Pradesh, only to learn in was a Naan starter... Chicken Vindaloo.


The Word – Due or Die

Our government once again shows us how much it cares by determining that “due process” and “judicial process” are not the same.  Thereby creating the loop hole through which to legalize the president sanctioned execution of American citizens.  In the name of the war on terror.  So the government protects us from the terrorists but who protects us from the government?

Notable Quotables: 

  • Now, Holden’s gotten a lot of criticism for the legal justification he gave for killing an American citizen: None.
  • Due process just means there is a process that you do.
  • Nation anyone who watches this show knows I have never liked Attorney General Eric Holder. I still cannot forgive him for selling out Han Solo to Boba Fett.

Does killing American citizens somehow require eleven herbs and spices?

Exactly, due process does not mean judicial process. The founders weren't picky. I mean, trial by jury, trial by fire, rock, paper, scissors. Who cares?

From what I can understand, the current process is apparently: First, the president meets with his advisers and decides who he can kill. Then he kills them.

Yes, it is perfectly legal to blow up al-Awlaki because we are in a declared armed conflict with Yemen... Pakistan?.. Afghanistan?.. I know it's a Stan!

As long as we're calling something a war, as long as doing that makes the president judge, jury, and executioner; why don't we just let him call in drone strikes in the war on drugs?

Or, how 'bout the war on poverty? Let's just throw the homeless into GITMO.

And for those who still whine that all American citizens must receive judicial process before they're executed, let's meet them half way and put judges robes on our missiles. Because if we're going to win our never ending war against terror, there are bound to be casualties and one of them just happens to be the Constitution. And that's The Word.

Thought for Food – Responsible Snacking & Second Breakfast

Stephen mourns the passing of the king sized candy bar but rejoices in the coming of the second breakfast.

Notable Quotables:

  • I would cry but my tear ducts are clogged with nougat.
  • Finally!  Second breakfast.  For too long we’ve been stuck with strict, government approved time slots for cramming things into our face slots.
  • I remember when we led the world in snacksploration… And America won the space race, of taking up the most space.

Folks, they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but after a concerted effort to cram meat through my belly button, I’m going back to my mouth. This is thought for food.

Oh, great! Now I need to 'snack responsibly'. Can I get that Nestle Crunch with brown rice? Could I have just the Ikes with the Mikes on the side? Oh, and I'll just have an 'm', I'm driving.

I don't want a smaller bar! I want a bar so big that while I'm eating one end the other end is still rolling off the factory line. You don't buy it, you get a subscription.

...Fourth meal, which, of course, falls between dinner and waking up on a Foosball table covered with your own filth. You've been there.

Little known fact: In Tolkien's original draft, the rings of power were made of onion.

Folks, like Columbus eating the New World, we must explore new vistas of meal time. Not just breakfast but second breakfast, post-breakfast-pre-brunch, brunch, brulunch, lunch, dinner prequel, appetizers, appeteasers, twilight buffet, dinner, supper, nosh, fourth meal, midnight snunch, sleep-breakfast, dreampetizers, and predawn fondue nightmare.

Well, you know what? Talking about all this food's making me a little hungry. I could go for a king size Snickers. No! Damn it! I guess I'll just have to go for three regular sized ones.

Jonathan Safran Foer

My guest tonight has a new book for Passover. I have four questions for him.

 To be continued…

Sign Off- Good Catch

That's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!


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