March 8, 2012 — Don Fleming & Emmylou Harris & Elvis Costello

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8033 (March 8, 2012)
GUESTS: Don Fleming & Emmylou Harris & Elvis Costello
SEGMENTS:  Eric Bolling’s Secret Gas Prices Plan| Herman Cain’s Avant-Garde PAC Ad|Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris | Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris – “Good Old Mountain Dew”| Sign Off – Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris – “Goodnight, Irene”
SUIT REPORT:  Black suit | White Shirt | Yellow and black diagonal striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 8, 2012

Eric Bolling’s Secret Gas Prices Plan

Eric Bolling knows how to save everyone a dollar a gallon on gas but he’s holding the information hostage in a manila envelope.  His demands: President Obama, call me sometime.  Furthermore, I have so little faith in the American government that I don’t believe the president of the country, with the resources of both the CIA and the FBI at his disposal will be able to find me, so here’s my number. Oh, did I just give that out on national television?  Ooops.

By the way, I don’t know whose number it was that Stephen gave out on the show but I can tell you this: they are a Verizon customer and their number has been temporarily disconnected.

Notable Quotables:

  • That’s right!  A secret plan in a manila envelope to lower the price of a gallon of gas by a dollar  What’s he got in there?  Could it be a dollar?
  • I have to know what Bolling’s plan is! But he said only the President could call.  Now, of course, he didn’t specify president of what.  I happen to president of a Super PAC… and I am also the president in exile of the Justin Bieber-belieber fan club.  I will have my revenge Shelly, you backstabbing she-viper!

Last week I had to cancel my annual lawn fire, where I write out my spring time resolutions in gasoline on my lawn. It’s too bad; this year’s resolution was going to be to conserve more gas.

I want Obama to call me too! Look, sir. President Obama, I've got a plan to eliminate the debt. And, and, and I've gotta plan to invade and defeat Iran in three days. And I've got, I've got, uh, these are the results of some blood tests. And this is some poetry from college. And this, this, this is my plan to organize my manila envelopes.

Hello Eric Bolling, it's Barack Obama calling. I'm just here in the oval office, stroking my pet white person. Thinking of ways to destroy America with contraception. What if we put the Lady Liberty on the pill? Yes! Yes! Oh, Eric Bolling if you only knew the things I was planning to do with the oil market. Listen, Eric, I really want these plans you have... I want you to stitch them onto American flag and then burn it. And then I'll inhale the vapors and know what your plan is. Seriously, call me.

Call me at this number Eric. Remember, only Eric Bolling should use this number. It's my direct line and I pick it up every time someone calls. Of course, there is this little game I play where I pretend it's not my number but don't give up! It's just to throw the Non-Eric Bollings off the scent.

Herman Cain’s Avant-Garde PAC Ad

Herman Cain is so Avant-garde he doesn’t even know it and his new ad is pumping the life blood back into his political corpse.  Much like throwing a glass of H2O on a fish out of water:  It’s temporary and painful to see.    Never to be outdone by his brother from another mother, Stephen creates an ad that PACs a punch straight to your gut.  That is where your thoughts come from, right?

Notable Quotables:

  • I’ve always respected Cain.  From his 9-9-9 tax plan to his bold vision of quoting Pokemon to letting his campaign be run by the savviest of highway drifters.
  • Spoiler alert, it is a Hermasterpiece.
  • I was so inspired by Cain’s art-attack or arttack ad, that I chugged a bottle of Robitussin, punched myself in the temple with a porcelain cow creamer and made an Avant-garde ad of my own.  About all the things we forgot we used to be mad about.  Jim, let’s shatter some paradigms.

He's my brother from another mother. My sister from another mister. My uncle Chucky from another aaawww, shucky ducky.

… Cain knows the Avant-garde is about confronting preconceived bourgeois notions of political messaging. In this case: the violent reminder that the stimulus, which no one has really talked about for a year, happened. The goldfish is a metaphor for our economy, caught in the grip of a capricious and cruel universe represented by the little girl, a ferocious fragility in the barren landscape of decay. Toying with life’s duality, as both critic and criminal. And I got all of that from her bangs.

Finally. Finally, in a Salterian denouement of nothingness, Cain stands on a grassy ledge overlooking the eighteenth hole of madness. Of course, that’s just one interpretation. Another could be that his campaign manager has switched what he’s smoking.

This is the economy on regulations... This is contraception... This is the auto bailout... This is gay marriage.

Van Jones... The Mexican border... Socialism... This is grandma in a dystopian future. Any questions?

Any questions? Ew, gross! He's peeing.

Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris

My guests tonight are here to talk about the folk music legacy of Alan Lomax. Not to be confused with the tree saving legacy of Alan Lorax.

Stephen: …I think of folk music as poor people music, right?..  It like the Mexican food of music.  It’s for poor people right?

Emmylou:  Well, it’s music that doesn’t make much money.  They used to have a category in the Grammy’s, you know, uh, contemporary folk.  Good records that don’t sell.


Stephen:  What does it cost?

Don: It doesn’t cost anything, you just go in there-

Stephen: So you’re keeping up the tradition of folk artists not making any money?  For a new generation, they will learn the pure folk art.


Stephen:  …Elvis, were you influenced by anything that Lomax recorded?

Elvis:  Well, I-I didn’t know the songs always directly from Lomax because I grew up in England.  That’s where those old, dusty songs came from.  I actually had to hear the way that they were done by American artists before I got interested in them.  Because some of them were just, they were songs sung by men in cable knit sweaters about whale fishing and things like that.

Stephen:  Whaling songs!  Everybody, young people love whaling songs.

Nottamun Town-Jean Ritchie

Masters of War- Bob Dylan

Go to sleep little baby.  Go to sleep little baby.

Mama’s gone away and Daddy’s gone to stay.

Leave nobody but the baby.

Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris – “Good Old Mountain Dew”

There’s an ol’ holler tree down the road here from me
Where you lay down a dollar or two.
You go round the bend, when you come back again
There’s a jug full of mountain dew.

Well, they call it that (good) ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug
With that good old mountain dew.

Well, my ole aunt Jill bought some new perfume
And it had such a sweet smellin’ pew.
But to her surprise when she had it analyzed
It was nothin’ but good ole mountain dew.

Well, they call it that good ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug
With that good ole mountain dew.

Well, my brother Bill’s got a still on the hill
Where he runs off a gallon or two.
And the buzzards in the sky get so drunk they can’t fly
From smellin’ that ole mountain dew.

Well, they call it that good ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
Well, I’ll shut up my mug if you fill up my jug
With that good ole mountain dew.

Well, I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug with that good ole mountain dew.

Sign Off – Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris – “Goodnight, Irene”

Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene. I’ll see you in my dreams…


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