EPISODE NUMBER: 8072 (March 15, 2012)
GUESTS: Dexter Filkins
SEGMENTS: Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly | Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors | Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart | Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear | Dexter Filkins | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Red and grey striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 15, 2012
Nation, there is an issue that has become a cudgel against the republicans in this campaign, it’s contraception and I’m tired of talking about it so instead, I’m going to mime about it.
Stephen’s gut knows that the Obama adminitraitors are soft on terror and once again the government confirms that he’s gastrointestinally on the right tract. This time they’re giving special privileges to the most devious and feared terrorist sect of all, your nanas and peepops. The new law being test out allows this Elder Qaeda to slip through security without slipping off their shoes and light jackets. According to Stephen, it’s a decision that may cost you your life. I say it will definitely save you a bit of time on your next flight.
(Need more? Peepop II)
- Wake up TSA! Old people are powder kegs. Goldbond powder, but still.
- Now, folks, I have always been suspicious of these geriatric jihadists.
- It’s only a matter of time before she shoots up a cracker barrel because their lemonade is too damn sweet. What? Did a Spaniard make this?
Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors
Rush Limbaugh just can’t push past the “ad”versity he’s faced over his controversial contraception criticisms and is quickly becoming a charity case. We all know how much he loves those. Luckily, it shouldn’t be too hard for El-Rush-Bo to transition to the status of “social parasite”. Considering all the practice he’s had being an intellectual parasite, one would think he could quickly acclimate himself to a new host.
After all, if he doesn’t like it, he could always give his public a much awaited edition to his previous written works. Tell the true story of how he found himself caught in the mouse trap of the Obama administration. Of course, Fluke would have a staring role as the cheese. He’d have to have a catchy title though, just like his previous literary endeavors. I know, he could call it, “See, I Called Her Ho because That’s the Way She Ought to Be.”
- Radio host and tater tot in casual wear, Rush Limbaugh.
- Rush: Now, how can I be anti-woman? I even judged the Miss America pageant. Stephen: Yes! What more does he have to do, judge Playmate of the Year?
- Plus, Rush is just exercising his right to free speech and while it is shocking that Rush would exercise anything, this is America!
Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart
The GOP is so good at alienating minorities they may have actually turned it into a science. If they believed in scientific things, that is. Who needs facts and provable results when you have gut thoughts and heart speech, right Nation? Santorum has definitely refined his own Rickiness (a truth that Rick feels in his heart, rather than knowing it with his brain). For Mitt’s part, well, let’s not worry about Mitt. Who needs votes when you have money?
- Rick’s formula is simple: you speak English you become a state. I don’t know what’s taking D.C. so long.
- Now, Santorum is just reminding Puerto Ricans that to be in, quote, “… compliance with… federal law… English needs to be the principal language” and sure, there is no such federal law but it sure feels like there is.
- He’s gonna tell voters in Wisconsin to “lay off the cheese, fatty.” And voters in Louisiana to “speaka de Engliss”.
Nation, your fearless leader has spoken! Make sure you tweet what’s in your heart regarding Rick Santorum and be sure to use the hashtag: #inmyheart
Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear
The Emerald Isle’s sperm banks are Erin go broke due to Danish duplicity (and a lack of legal Irish wankers). An Irish whiskey *coughs: Jameson * gifts Stephen with a St. Patty’s Day surprise that takes him back to his drunken Amish roots. The luck of the Irish saves a bottle of Jewish wine and Stephen celebrates with the Old Country tradition of stabbing an Englishman in the neck.
- Nation, check your calendar everybody. This Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day and to get in the spirit, I have filled the studio with poisonous snakes. So I can drive them out like St. Patrick. Don’t worry audience, they never come out unless there’s a loud noise; like cheering or clapping or chanting my name.
- Me Ireland.
- At last an Irish product is respectfully representing my people, as drunken… Amish?
Stephen: Does it ever occur to you, “I work at the New Yorker, why don’t I just do movie reviews?” Or draw the cartoons about the psychiatrists’ dogs.
Dexter: I’ve thought about that, I’ve thought about that.
Stephen: Yes? Now, um, Assad in Syria is crushing the resistance of his people right now and um, last month two journalists, Marie Colvin and Anthony Shadid died covering that war. Um, Anthony Shadid has a recent book called, House of Stone: A Memoir of Home, Family, and a Lost Middle East (also available in paperback). Why do people like you and Colvin and Shadid, why do you go do it? Because, as Americans, isn’t it suspicious that you even care about other countries? What is it that draws you? I mean there’s a war on women here, why not cover that?
Dexter: You just said it, I mean, if you take Syria, um, I mean here’s a government that is not elected and they are… waging war against their population. They are shelling cities, they’ve killed at least 7,000 people so far. They’ve tortured people, they’ve arrested people, um, and what they want more than anything is, they want to be able to operate in secret. They don’t want the rest of the world to know and so, when people like Anthony and Marie were doing, they were both friends, is they just wanted to get and talk to people and talk to real people and find out what was happening and then get out and tell the rest of the world.
Stephen: Do you ever hope that a war would break out in, like Fiji?
Dexter: Yeah, I have to say, the first war zone I ever went to was Sri Lanka and, this island in the Indian Ocean, and it’s, you know, I haven’t been to Fiji but Sri Lanka’s extraordinary. For instance, I remember one time, I went to, I covered this kind of a scene of a massacre, um, and I went back to my hotel. Which was right on this beautiful beach, uh, in this gorgeous harbor and I had lobster that night for dinner…
Stephen: You know what? You know, I’ve been doing coverage of the entire world, uh, from the inside of a studio for years and if I can recommend something, I have a green screen over there. You just stand in front of it and you put a picture behind you and everyone believes that you’re in the Middle East. And one, one kind of, like burned out sandy photo behind you turns into everything from Morocco to Pakistan.
Stephen: It’s a penny pincher.
Dexter: Well, I mean, kind of. True, true. I mean, a lot of people would agree with you and a lot of them, unfortunately, control the budgets of a lot of news rooms but what you find when you, you know, it’s easy from afar to look and say, you know, the Muslim world: Morocco all the way to Indonesia and say “they’re all the same.”
Stephen: That’s what I say. And it’s extremely easy, you’re right. It’s enjoyable.
Sign Off- Goodnight
Happy St. Patrick’s Day Hubsters!!