March 15, 2012– Dexter Filkins

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8072 (March 15, 2012)
GUESTS: Dexter Filkins
SEGMENTS: Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly | Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors | Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart | Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear | Dexter Filkins | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Red and grey striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 15, 2012

Nation, there is an issue that has become a cudgel against the republicans in this campaign, it’s contraception and I’m tired of talking about it so instead, I’m going to mime about it.

Folks, I gotta tell you, with an opening like that you make me feel like it’s my first night.

Elder Qaeda

Stephen’s gut knows that the Obama adminitraitors are soft on terror and once again the government confirms that he’s gastrointestinally on the right tract. This time they’re giving special privileges to the most devious and feared terrorist sect of all, your nanas and peepops.  The new law being test out allows this Elder Qaeda to slip through security without slipping off their shoes and light jackets.  According to Stephen, it’s a decision that may cost you your life.  I say it will definitely save you a bit of time on your next flight.

(Need more? Peepop II)

Notable Quotables

  • Wake up TSA! Old people are powder kegs. Goldbond powder, but still.
  • Now, folks, I have always been suspicious of these geriatric jihadists.
  • It’s only a matter of time before she shoots up a cracker barrel because their lemonade is too damn sweet. What? Did a Spaniard make this?
What? Are they crazy? Have you seen their shoes? Those things could be made entirely of plastic explosives.

They’re disgruntled. They have nothing to lose and they hold extremist views on many groups. I can’t even repeat what my Aunt Rita said at Thanksgiving about “the Spaniards”. Let’s just say we won’t be serving sangria again.

I say we nip this in the bud and send our elderly to Gitmo. Just tell them it’s Florida, they never go outside anyway. Warning, you’ve been warned.

Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors

Rush Limbaugh just can’t push past the “ad”versity he’s faced over his controversial contraception criticisms and is quickly becoming a charity case.  We all know how much he loves those.  Luckily, it shouldn’t be too hard for El-Rush-Bo to transition to the status of “social parasite”.  Considering all the practice he’s had being an intellectual parasite, one would think he could quickly acclimate himself to a new host.

After all, if he doesn’t like it, he could always give his public a much awaited edition to his previous written works. Tell the true story of how he found himself caught in the mouse trap of the Obama administration.  Of course, Fluke would have a staring role as the cheese.  He’d have to have a catchy title though, just like his previous literary endeavors.  I know, he could call it, “See, I Called Her Ho because That’s the Way She Ought to Be.”

Notable Quotables

  • Radio host and tater tot in casual wear, Rush Limbaugh.
  • Rush: Now, how can I be anti-woman?  I even judged the Miss America pageant.   Stephen: Yes!  What more does he have to do, judge Playmate of the Year?
  • Plus, Rush is just exercising his right to free speech and while it is shocking that Rush would exercise anything, this is America!

Yes, the Army is pulling out of Rush.

Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban who evidentially have a better track record on women’s issues.

Things have gotten so bad, folks, Rush may have to start a pledge drive. So ladies, donate now and you will get this free tote bag to put all your slut stuff in for the walk of shame.

We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty. Unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant, green, tramp. Oh, she’ll lift her lamp and open her golden door for anybody. Your tired, your poor and not just one on one, she’ll take on huddled masses. Everybody line up for a peek under her toga.

She’s a pawn! I mean, what’s the alternative? That a thirty year old woman had her own thoughts and feelings about reproductive rights? Come on, what do you take me for? A girl?

Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart 

The GOP is so good at alienating minorities they may have actually turned it into a science.  If they believed in scientific things, that is.  Who needs facts and provable results when you have gut thoughts and heart speech, right Nation?  Santorum has definitely refined his own Rickiness (a truth that Rick feels in his heart, rather than knowing it with his brain).  For Mitt’s part, well, let’s not worry about Mitt.  Who needs votes when you have money?

Notable Quotables

  • Rick’s formula is simple: you speak English you become a state.  I don’t know what’s taking D.C. so long.
  • Now, Santorum is just reminding Puerto Ricans that to be in, quote, “… compliance with… federal law… English needs to be the principal language” and sure, there is no such federal law but it sure feels like there is.
  • He’s gonna tell voters in Wisconsin to “lay off the cheese, fatty.”  And voters in Louisiana to “speaka de Engliss”.

The inevitable nominee, Mitt Rominee, appeared on FOX News to reiterate his campaign’s core message of hope. Mitt: I made a lot of money. Stephen: …Now that is a guy I would like to have a beer company with.

Folks, it takes serious cajones to go to Puerto Rico and tell them to stop saying cajones.

Now I know, Puerto Ricans have been speaking Spanish or as my Aunt Rita calls it, “taco talk,” since 1508 but come on!

Evidently, Santorum’s comments about the Netherlands were yanked out of his nether parts but that doesn’t matter…

It’s just a matter of what’s in his heart and in Rick Santorum’s heart Dutch doctors push old people in wheel chairs up to windmills and let the blades chop their heads off. And then grind them into a paste and use that paste to plug cracks in the dykes. And turn their skulls into wooden shoes. The point is, as long as it is in your heart, it is true.

Rick Santorum, you keep speaking what’s in your heart, as long as it’s in English and I am sure you’ll get the nomination or at least, feel like you have.

Nation, your fearless leader has spoken!  Make sure you tweet what’s in your heart regarding Rick Santorum and be sure to use the hashtag: #inmyheart

Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear

The Emerald Isle’s sperm banks are Erin go broke due to Danish duplicity (and a lack of legal Irish wankers). An Irish whiskey *coughs: Jameson * gifts Stephen with a St. Patty’s Day surprise that takes him back to his drunken Amish roots.  The luck of the Irish saves a bottle of Jewish wine and Stephen celebrates with the Old Country tradition of stabbing an Englishman in the neck.    

Notable Quotables

  • Nation, check your calendar everybody. This Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day and to get in the spirit, I have filled the studio with poisonous snakes.  So I can drive them out like St. Patrick.  Don’t worry audience, they never come out unless there’s a loud noise; like cheering or clapping or chanting my name.
  • Me Ireland.
  • At last an Irish product is respectfully representing my people, as drunken… Amish?

The Irish import all their sperm from Denmark rather than produce their own because of their “lack of regulation for donating sperm...” and because in Ireland, no one’s allowed to move their hands.

I’m not gonna sit here while Erin’s Isle needs me, that’s why I’m proud to introduce my own line of premium man seed for the Irish market, Stephen Colbert’s Formula 40’1, fresh from my blarney stones.

Tip o’ the morning to ya. The tip, of course, the most sensitive part o’ the morning.

This weekend I will be tearing it up at the local traditional Irish pundit gathering at O’Hanrahan’s. I play the boran, Hannity plays the tin whistle, O'Reilly step dances, and Chris Matthews is on the potato.

Now, I always wrestle with how to honor the old sod on St. Patrick’s Day but this year it’ll be easy. Thanks to a special package that I received from an actual Irish whiskey company, who shall remain nameless because there was no cash in the bag. No free rides.

They also included this, uh, authentic Irish cultural garment… Finally, someone treating the Irish with dignity.

In fact, I was so inspired that I prepared a whole line of ethnically accurate headgear for the holidays. If the good people at Manischewitz are watching right now, might I recommend this year sending out this Passover party hat. Why is this hat different from all other hats? Because, it is in no way offensive.

If you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to indulge in some of my traditional foods from my homeland. Bowl of Lucky Charms and of course, some fresh cut Irish Spring. Oh, the spirit of the season! And then I’m going to stab an Englishman in the neck.

Dexter Filkins

My guest tonight has been called the premier combat journalist of his generation and he’s about to meet the premier combat avoider of any generation.

Stephen:   Does it ever occur to you, “I work at the New Yorker, why don’t I just do movie reviews?”  Or draw the cartoons about the psychiatrists’ dogs.

Dexter:  I’ve thought about that, I’ve thought about that.

Stephen:  Yes?  Now, um, Assad in Syria is crushing the resistance of his people right now and um, last month two journalists, Marie Colvin and Anthony Shadid died covering that war. Um, Anthony Shadid has a recent book called, House of Stone: A Memoir of Home, Family, and a Lost Middle East (also available in paperback).  Why do people like you and Colvin and Shadid, why do you go do it?  Because, as Americans, isn’t it suspicious that you even care about other countries?  What is it that draws you?  I mean there’s a war on women here, why not cover that?

Dexter:  You just said it, I mean, if you take Syria, um, I mean here’s a government that is not elected and they are… waging war against their population.  They are shelling cities, they’ve killed at least 7,000 people so far. They’ve tortured people, they’ve arrested people, um, and what they want more than anything is, they want to be able to operate in secret.  They don’t want the rest of the world to know and so, when people like Anthony and Marie were doing, they were both friends, is they just wanted to get and talk to people and talk to real people and find out what was happening and then get out and tell the rest of the world.

***

Stephen:  Do you ever hope that a war would break out in, like Fiji?

Dexter:  Yeah, I have to say, the first war zone I ever went to was Sri Lanka and, this island in the Indian Ocean, and it’s, you know, I haven’t been to Fiji but Sri Lanka’s extraordinary. For instance, I remember one time, I went to, I covered this kind of a scene of a massacre, um, and I went back to my hotel.  Which was right on this beautiful beach, uh, in this gorgeous harbor and I had lobster that night for dinner…

***

Stephen:  You know what?  You know, I’ve been doing coverage of the entire world, uh, from the inside of a studio for years and if I can recommend something, I have a green screen over there.  You just stand in front of it and you put a picture behind you and everyone believes that you’re in the Middle East.  And one, one kind of, like burned out sandy photo behind you turns into everything from Morocco to Pakistan.

Dexter:  Yeah.

Stephen:  It’s a penny pincher.

Dexter:  Well, I mean, kind of.  True, true.  I mean, a lot of people would agree with you and a lot of them, unfortunately, control the budgets of a lot of news rooms but what you find when you, you know, it’s easy from afar to look and say, you know, the Muslim world: Morocco all the way to Indonesia and say “they’re all the same.”

Stephen:  That’s what I say.  And it’s extremely easy, you’re right.  It’s enjoyable.

Sign Off- Goodnight

That's it for The Report everybody, we're off for the week. Goodnight!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Hubsters!!

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