EPISODE NUMBER: 8077 (March 29 2012)
GUESTS: Peter Beinart
SEGMENTS: Intro- 3/29/12 | The Mega Millions Lottery | Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack | Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story | Peter Beinart | Sign-off- Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | Light blue shirt | Yellow stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tonight, should college students be political players? Why not, they’re already having sex with interns. Then, Mitt Romney proves he’s just like average Americans by also not being that excited by Mitt Romney. And my guest Peter Beinart has a new book about the future of Israel: Yamaka jetpacks!
Atlantic City has a new slogan, “Do AC”. Meanwhile, Anderson Cooper has a new slogan, “What are you doing? Get off me.”
I am not surprised that the people in this room are excited!
The Mega Millions Lottery
- I certainly hope like me, you’ve got lotto fever. I’ve actually got lotto rash. Let’s just say I’m doing a lot of scratch off.
- Yes. A computer is just going to give you random numbers but you have a random system.
- Here’s the secret, a coin has two sides. Always pick heads if it’s a president’s head. Never bet on Sacajawea. The Indians lost the whole continent, they’re not gonna win a coin toss.
Tomorrow, folks, is the drawing for the mega millions lottery. $540,000,000! Now to put that into (aside to crowd: arr woo) to put that into perspective, if you laid 540,000,000 dollar bills end to end you would regret it because people would definitely just come and take it.
And folks, I've got to tell ya, I've got the winner right here. Went with my old stand by: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Okay? Same as my bank pin. Oops, you know what, Jimmy? Let's edit that out. (Jimmy: Can do). Okay, thanks.
Very important! Numbers that win never win again. Don't play these numbers or any combination of these numbers. Alright? You wanna think outside the box.
Instead of these losers try the square root of 2. Pi. Threvin, and while this is a made up number, it has never won. Which means it's due.
Plus, if you let the machine pick and you win, legally you have to split your winnings with it and you know it's just going to blow it on hookers and coke.
This book has been the winning ingredient in two of the last ten Super Bowls.
Anyway, the point is: call me ABC News. *whispers* Heads!
Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack
- You know our motto: Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. And one of those two tomorrows may be any day now.
- Ya hear that, Romney! Put that in your pipe and don’t smoke it because tobacco is strictly forbidden by your religion.
- Apparently, more Texans respond to my message, “Corporations are people”, than Romney’s message, “Mitt is a person.”
You'd think Wisconsinites would like Rick Santorum given that he's a wheel of Colby cheese: Not that sharp and holier than thou.
According to the Houston Chronicle, more Texans have donated to Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow than to the pro-Romney Super PAC Restore Our Future. Kaboom, boom, boom! Wah! Pa-pa pa-pow! Pa-chow, pa-chow, pa-chow, boo!
Yeah! Hell, yeah! Once again, once again, folks, of course, the liberal media missed the whole story. I have also brought the issue to mid-morning repeat television.
So folks, considering my influence, it is no surprise at all that I got this actual email from someone named Paul Benefiel, a student at the University of Texas at Austin. The fightin' only part of Texas that's liberal!
So, what do you think audience? Should I give my blessing to college students to set up Super PACs, extending the reach of my political tentacles across the campuses of America? Alright, alright! I will assume that your unintelligible shrieks are a yes. I'm gonna do it.
I want every college across this great nation to have their own, my Super PAC. And they can have it too. Thanks to the Colbert Super PAC, Super Fun Pack! that you can order. All you need is a burning desire for civil engagement and $99.
Do you really want your loved one's seeing the Federal Election Commission in your browser history? Awkward!
Now, your Super PAC can take unlimited donations but your tube socks can only take limited washings. One. Super cheap
To kick off your fundraising, I have included the Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans. Start calling and remember: A restraining order means you've got the right number.
So go to ColbertSuperPAC.com and donate $99 to get your Colbert Super PAC Fun Pack and before you know it I'll be taking no personal or legal responsibility for anything you do. I don't know who you are. I don't have a Super PAC or a TV show and my name is Veraldo Givera.
Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story (More To Come)
Peter Beinart (More to Come)
That's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!