April 2, 2012– Gary Johnson

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8078 (April 2, 2012)
GUESTS: Gary Johnson
SEGMENTS:  Intro – 4/2/12 | Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack Treasure Hunt | The Beefstate Governors | Yahweh or No Way – Christian Card Counters, Pope Benedict on Marxism & Pope Cologne | Gary Johnson | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black pin stripe suite  |  Light blue shirt  |  Navy tie /light blue stripe
VIDEOS: Monday, April 3, 2012

Intro – 4/2/12

Tonight, trouble in the beef industry: the mortality rate among the steers is frightening.  Then, the pope pays a visit to Cuba.  I bet he’s scouting short stops for the Cardinals.  And my guest, Governor Gary Johnson was a republican candidate and is now a libertarian candidate.  Next: Manchurian candidate.

Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack Treasure Hunt

Notable Quotables:

  • I’ve always said America’s colleges are an incubator of imaginative ideas. For instance many students imagine that college will help them get a job.
  • Now, since then this limited edition kit has been ordered by nearly 400 college students who will soon be starting Super PACs at their college, university, or correctional facility.
  • As the leader of a Super PAC you’ll need strategic political advice. The kind I get from Ham Rove.  He has all the brains of Carl Rove with half the sodium.

So not to be out bolded, I introduced an even bolder new idea: The Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack! Now, if you did not catch the show last Thursday, no doubt you’re thinking just one thing (Brad Pitt in Seven, “What’s in the box? What’s in the f*@king box?”).

Now we were, we were going to include Gwyneth Paltrow’s head but we lost it. Thanks United Airlines! Oh, gate check it, it’ll be perfectly safe. Ridiculous!

Order now and you’ll also receive this actual secrete decoder ring to crack super secrete PAC messages. What messages? Well, that’s for me to know and for you to karf fnarglezox.

...In each and every kit I am including Ham Rove’s protégé, Hamlet Rove. Okay, this is an actual one pound canned ham who will advise you right up until the election or until you get the munchies at 2 am.

So, go to ColbertSuperPAC.com and begin taking wads of money from trusting people without promising any results. Just like your college does.

The Beefstate Governors

Notable Quotables: 

  • Well, now the anti-business word wizards have a beef with beef.
  • Incidentally, pink slime may contain traces of brown back.
  • Yes, it’s time to end the smear campaign though full disclosure, pink slime may also contain traces of smear.
  • But that’s not the whole story, some of it is also poured into a glove to form the Hamburger Helper.

Folks, everybody knows that liberals have a long history of good American industries with hurtful names. Sure, these days everybody hates “air pollution” but when I was a kid, we celebrated it as bonus clouds.

Folks, pink slime is nothing more than good old beef mixed with some not so good older beef. Here

I say, far from a chemical soaked, reconstituted hoof and organ slurry, pink slime is actually a delicious, wholesome meal you’d wanna share with a friend. Specifically, your best friend: because up until 2001 it was used only in dog food. Which begs the question, what are we feeding our dogs now and when do I get to eat it?

But just when things looked darkest, the cavalry rode in. I’m talking about The Beefstate Governors. America’s meat men.

The beefy three believe the term pink slime is an offensive slur against slurry because it already has a lovely name.

Yes, LFTB because our beef now has so many hormones it’s a member of the transgendered community. That’s why- (crowd cheers) Yeah. Easy to support

That’s why the Beefstate Govs came up with a catchy new slogan, “Dude It’s Beef!” Nailed it!

Unless, of course, there is an accident at the processing plant, in which case, “Beef It’s Dude!”

… Red meat’s got a bad name but I don’t see anything in the report about pink slime. So we must reclaim that term the way the gays reclaimed the word queer. Say it now and say it proud! We’re here, its steer, technically. Embrace the name! Forget Dude It’s Beef. From now on, Bro It’s Slime!

Yahweh or No Way – Christian Card Counters, Pope Benedict on Marxism & Pope Cologne

Notable Quotables: 

  • Folks, I do not approve of Los Vegas.  If I’m going to throw away my kid’s college tuition, I will do it the old fashioned way, by encouraging them to major in English.
  • Exactly, Marxism no longer corresponds to reality.  Cuba needs the modern direction provided by a church whose leader is infallible and gets his instructions from a book written by nomadic shepherds between 2,000 and 3,500 years ago.
  • Previously, the Castros had resisted encouraging Christian faith because they were afraid Cubans would follow Christ’s example and walk on water to get to Miami.

As a Roman Catholic, I believe in original sin and I gotta say your sin is totally derivative.

Just look at your Bible folks, right after the Jews finished building the Luxor Hotel and Casino, God sent Moses to fabulous Mount Sinai for a burning bush floor show. Where he dealt him a winning hand and told him to lead the Israelites to a barren strip of desert where nothing grows, just like Vegas.

And why do you think the Roman’s crucified Jesus? They thought he was to ripping off Caesar’s Palace with his crack crew, Christ 12.

Next up, Cuba’s communist dictators and Cold War Ben and Jerry, Fidel and Raul Castro recently faced a force more powerful than the cigar aroma wafting from their facial hair.


You see, back in 1989 the Pope knelt down on one side of the wall while Gipper pushed the unsuspecting wall right over his back.

The Pope is following in Sting and Madonna’s footsteps. I can’t wait for next year’s Super Bowl half time show.

Guys put on cologne to attract the ladies and El Papa is already smoldering. It’s bad enough he already he’s already got those chick magnate red shoes. Besides he doesn’t need it because Pope Benedict’s miter is already a giant deodorizing cone.

Gary Johnson

My guest tonight is the former governor of New Mexico and an advocate for legalizing marijuana.  Please welcome Gary Johnson!  I’ve never heard my audience cheer so hard for a federal offense.

Stephen: Hey, let’s get high and gay married.  That’s the message?  That’s your message.  That’s your message.

Gov. Johnson: And so the libertarian party is now 40 years old, in a poll three months ago 50% of American’s support legalizing marijuana.  Who, perhaps, is singularly most responsible for that?  Perhaps it the libertarian party, which, initially, kooks.  Today, you know, not so kooky.  Everything that the libertarian party is talking about today, I think, is not kooky at all, it’s really the prescription for what ails America.

Stephen: Okay, so if that’s the case, if that’s the case, you ran as a republican.  Again, your a two term governor of, uh Mexico?

Gov. Johnson: Nuevo Mexico

Stephen: Nuevo, well you say potato I say burrito.


Stephen: If you actually get the nomination in Los Vegas, will the nomination stay in Los Vegas? Because that could be a problem, you want to get the word out there.

Gov. Johnson: You hit on it.  We want to get the word out there. We want to be at 15%.  Right now 82% of Americans would consider voting for a third party candidate. Uh, I think the third party is the libertarian party.  The largest segment of American politics today are independents.  So, who’s representing them?

Stephen: Well, Governor, when you’re in Vegas, if you have time remember the words of Jesus, hold on 16 and split your aces.

Sign Off – Goodnight

Well, that's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!


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