April 12, 2012 — James Cameron

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER:  8085 (April 12, 2012)
GUESTS: James Cameron
SEGMENTS: Intro- 4/12/12 | The Other War on Women | Stephen Colbert’s End of the World of the Week – Survivalist Singles & KFC Disaster | Cold War Update – Alleged Congressional Communists | James Cameron | Sign Off- Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | Light grey shirt | Red tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 12, 2012

Intro- 4/12/12

Tonight, how do you prepare for the end of the world?  I wish Michael Stipe were here, he feels remarkably fine about it.  Then, are communists taking over America?  My panic will belong to all of us.  And my guest is Academy Award winning director James Cameron, our five minute interview will cost $545,000,000.

The Newt Gingrich campaign bounced a $500 check, it was returned for insufficient grip on reality.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you know, when you give me that kind of greeting when I come out here at the beginning of the show, it's like you've all given me a big hug.

And I mean full, full body contact. The good stuff.

The Other War on Women

Now folks, I don't know if you have heard but Mitt Romney has been hurt by the so-called "republican war on women". Which, of course, is just a liberal media invention like global warming or the female orgasm. Where's... where's the evidence?

But unlike our real wars, the American people are paying attention to this one.  A recent poll shows Obama leading Romney among women by nineteen points but of course, there is a simple reason for that.  I want to let the Cain train explain.

Yes, other people than men. That’s not patronizing to women.  That could be any kind of other people.  Castrados, cyborgs, the list goes on for two.

Besides, this very week Mitt Romney turned that attack against Obama using the ancient art of jumittsu.

That's called flipping the script, baby. My problem is really your problem. It's all laid out in Romney's new campaign slogan "Romney 2012: I'm Rubber, You're Glue."

But is Romney’s attack on Obama true?  Well, the Washington Post Fact Checker column looked into Romney’s 92% claim and judged “this figure doesn’t mean very much.”  Concluding the claim was “true but false”.  Thank you Washington Post. Your reporting was helpful but useless.

Now, unfortunately the lady public didn’t respond to Mitt’s reverse take down of Obama, until there was a cable news miracle.  When democratic campaign strategist Hilary Rosen criticized stay-at-home mother of five, Ann Romney.

Hoo, hoo, did she put her foot in Obama's mouth!

Excuse me, campaign stratigist Rosen, you know what’s actually never worked a day in it’s life?  Attacking motherhood.

Now, folks, full disclosure:  I have a personal stake in this issue because I have a mom.  My mom.  Which makes me half-mom on my mom’s side.  Now, she was a stay at home mom of eleven kids. Which, I guess, makes her twice as lazy as Ann Romney.

Yeah, thanks! Women like me and Christopher Metzler really appreciate it!

Um, I gotta tell you folks, this is good.  This is good.  This story is delicious!

Jimmy, Jimmy tell you what, put Rosen’s quote up on the crawl right now.  Let’s put it up there all the time.  That’s nice.

That’s not enough.  Now play the quote on a loop.  Just play it on a loop.  Now drop a fat beat on it!

Oh, that is catchy!  Now sadly, Ms. Rosen has since apologized to Ann Romney.  Profusely.  Do we have that clip?  No?  Then what do we have?

Stephen Colbert’s End of the World of the Week – Survivalist Singles & KFC Disaster

Now folks, on the slim chances that Romney does not win in November it will mean the end of the world.  So you need to brace yourself for future end times with tonight’s edition of “Stephen Colbert’s End of the World of the Week”.

Folks, I like to keep you abreast of the latest innovations in the survivalist lifestyle.  From the finest in underground apocalypse lairs to emergency backpacks of dehydrated beef stroganoff to my recipe book of urine based cocktails. You’ll love my classic marpeeni.

But folks, it’s important, we mustn’t forget the most important aspect of preparing for armageddon: love.  Let’s face it, it’s hard to repopulated the earth with a jar of beets.

Luckily, a new service out there is here to help you arma-get-it-on.

Yes, survivalist singles dot com. A much more effective survivalist matchmaking tool than the old way, personal ads like single white male with 20,000 cans seeks single white female with can opener.

And folks, just take a look at some of these great profiles. “I have been telling people since I was a child that the world was going to end.”  A hopeless romantic… or at the very least, hopeless.

And ladies, how about 65 year old Earth Man?  Who says he’s currently living off the grid.  “I’ve tried other dating sites, years ago, gave up.  Apparently most women are not turned on by the “off grid” living”.  Okay, eharmony ladies with your electricity and “running water”.  That’s just more hand caught squirrel for the Earth Man.  Your loss because his toilet is still outside and it has a sky light.  Imagine, a romantic night together in the outhouse.  Gazing up at the nuclear dust cloud blacking out the stars.  I just hope there’s enough room in there to get down on one knee.

But, word to the wise folks, some survivalists may not be looking for a companion so much as a post apocalyptic food source.  So watch out for anyone whose body preference is “well marbled”.

Now, the survivalist singles is a free site but there are some good ways to make money off disaster.  For instance, yesterday when an 8.6 earthquake struck Indonesia, stoking fears of another tragic tsunami, one south east Asian business was ready to cash in.

I don’t understand why they’re apologizing!  KFC is the perfect disaster food because after finishing the family sized bucket, you can row it to safety.

Now, yep, I could go for some of that right now.  Now, while some people see a disaster KFC Thailand saw a disaster advertising opportunity or disadvertunity.

Hey, I say there’s no reason SOS couldn’t stand for soup or salad.

Folks, more companies should tap into the growing disaster market to boost their sales.  I, for one, look forward to the day when you can call 911 and say, “There’s a flood engulfing the valley and I’d like some garlic knots!”

Cold War Update – Alleged Congressional Communists

You know, nation, when I was a little boy Americans lived in a constant fear of nuclear annihilation at the hands of our enemies in the eastern block.  Well, I’m happy to say those days may be back.

Folks, it is no secret to frequent viewers that I’m a huger admirer of tea party congressman and reverse image of Jay Jonah Jameson, Allen West.

As a member of the House Arm Services Committee, West is privy to all kinds of secret information and on Tuesday, West revealed some explosive intel on his fellow congressmen.

Jesus H. Kruschev!

Now, for those of you too young to remember Communism, let me outline the dangers: thick wasted women, standing in line for a single turnip, and a weird, backwards “r”.

That’s why I’ve never trusted ToysRus.  Yes, yes, yes.  I applaud when I’m suspicious too. An American toy company would be called ToysMme.

And Allen West’s commie count is backed up with hard research, in that, he’s heard it and if you hear something, it is true.  Which is why we must end the rampant explosion of stomachs by outlawing Pop Rocks and Coke.

Think of the children.  The exploding children.

Nation, we have to root out these commgressmen before all of congress is recruited and they might just do it to improve their public image because right now congress has an approval rating of 9%.  Which, according to Rasmussen, is actually lower than the public’s opinion of a communist take over of the United States.

My only problem with Congressman West, here, is that he said he won’t name names. Which means we will just have to speculate and I will start: John Boehner.  Hear me out.  He may not be a democrat but he sure looks red… or at least, burnt sienna.  Keep an eye on this guy.

My guest tonight recently set the world record for traveling solo to the earth's deepest depths. Well, he's about to meet the earth's shallowest man.

Stephen:  Now I’m in a quandary here, obviously I’m a big fan. Oh, we can shake hands again if you want. A lot of people, a lot of people don’t want to let go of me.  I understand the feeling.

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  But you’re, you’re one of these, uh, Hollywood elites.  Okay?  Poisoning the minds of our children with your escapist fantasy movies.

James:  Yeah, yep.

Stephen:  Okay?  Case in point: Titanic.  (aside to audience) You guys see that Titanic move?  You guys see that Titanic movie?  (audience cheers) Alright.  Couple people saw that.  Bet you made a chunk of change.  Alright.  Now, that movie, I think, has gotta terrible message for our kids.

James:  Hmm.

Stephen:  That young women of means and breeding should go off with just some, tramp they meet in storage.

James:  Yeah.  Yeah.

Stephen:  You realize that, that’s the message of that movie.

James:  Yeah, yeah. Think how much the film could’ve made, if we’d done it right.

Stephen:  Right!

James:  Done it your way.

Stephen:  Exactly! If you’d focus grouped that movie…

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  …and, and Jack had lived; you could have turned some coin.

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  Have you thought about a sequel?  Have you thought about a sequel where Rose goes and fights the ocean for his body?

James:  Well, we’ll work on that.

*

Stephen:  Is everything, is everything 3D in it now?

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  Even, like, when their “doing it” in that car?

James:  We worked, we worked especially on that scene, yeah.

Stephen:  That sweaty hand print’s coming right atchya.

James:  Although they cut it out in China, we just found out.

Stephen:  Really? They cut that out in China?

James:  They cut that out in China.

Stephen:  That’s too sexy for the Chinese?

James:  They were, they were afraid that Chinese men would actually be reaching out toward the screen.  This is true.

Stephen:  You’re kidding.

James:  You can’t make this up.  And that it would interfere with enjoyment of the people sitting next to them, somehow.

Stephen:  They would be reaching out toward the screen?

James:  This is the official Chinese statement.

Stephen:  I can’t believe these men have that little sex.  There are a lot of them.

James:  This is a concern, so it’s been edited but we made twenty million dollars there in two days.  So, I’m going with their edits.

Stephen:  Wow, that’s nice. The market has spoken.

James:  Exactly.

*

Stephen:  …Now, you’ve gone down to the deepest spot in the ocean.  The Marianas Trench.

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  Where in the oceans is that, then?

James:  Well, it’s actually near Guam which is, you know, western Pacific, kind of out in the middle of nowhere. And, uh.-

Stephen:  It’s part of America, sir.  It’s not nowhere.

James:  It’s in the Federated States of Micronesia, sir.  About a mile outside of America.

Stephen:  The people are American Citizens, sir.  Okay?  They have a representative in government, mother f*@ker.

James:  Whoa, whoa!

Stephen:  Okay?  Don’t f*@k with me.  Alright?  Okay.

James:  The Federated States of Micronesia, yes.

Stephen:  And they have a congresswoman.  I interviewed her.  You’re on my turf.  You’re on my turf.

James:  Exactly, except-

Stephen:  You know the bottom of the ocean.  I know congress.

James:  Are you aware she can’t vote?

Stephen:  I do know she can’t vote, neither can Washington D.C.  Does that mean that’s not apart of the United States?  Because I agree with you there.  Okay, alright, I accept your apology.

*

Stephen:  Now why go down there, what’s down there man?

James:  Well, it’s the last unexplored frontier on planet Earth.

Stephen:  How far down we talkin’?

James:  Seven miles.

Stephen:  Seven miles!

James:  Yeah, 36,000 feet or 11,000 meters.  If you’re metric.

Stephen:  Please, no meters just-

James:  I’m Canadian.

Stephen:  We don’t broadcast in Europe.

James:  I’m Canadian.

Stephen:  Alright.  You’re Canadian?

James:  I’m Canadian, mother f*@ker.

Stephen:  That might be the least polite thing I’ve ever heard a Canadian do.

Stephen:  …Did you see anything down there?  Like, were there, was the Kraken down there? Was-

James:  If I thought there was any chance whatsoever of a giant squid or a Kraken, I would’ve been putting bait all over that sub.

Stephen:  Really?  Just try to get him to come close to you?

James:  Yeah because that would be the shot, right?

Stephen:  It would?  You’re the director, you tell me.

James:  Uh, no, they’re small.  The animals are quite small down there.  The pressure, the lack of  food supply and all that.  It’s the most harsh, extreme environment on planet earth.

Stephen:  May I ask you something?  That, that necklace the lady throws off the boat in Titanic?

James:  Um, hmm.

Stephen:  You were going after that, weren’t you?

James:  Yeah, yeah.

Stephen:  That thing, ’cause that has to be mega bucks.

James:  Yeah.

Stephen:  Huge coin.

James:  Yeah.

Sign Off- Goodnight

That's it for The Report, everybody. Goodnight!



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