April 19, 2012 — Tavis Smiley & Cornel West

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER:  8089 (April 19, 2012)
GUESTS: Tavis Smiley & Cornel West
SEGMENTS: Stephen’s 4/20 Message | Alpha Dog of the Week – Cory Booker | The Enemy Within – Bologna Border Bust | Time’s 2012 Top 100 Most Influential
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/white spotted tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 19, 2012

Intro 4/19/12

Tonight, a new threat sneaking in from Mexico.  I say we get one step ahead of it and sneak into Canada.  Then, who’s a good dog?  Who’s a good dog?  The answer may surprise you! And my guests Tavis Smiley and Cornel West went on an eighteen city poverty bus tour.  I’ll be the groupie action on that bus is sobering.

Ted Nugent met with the secret service today, no word on how much he charged them for the wango tango.

I want you in this audience and the audience out there to know that you… are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep at night.... The second to last thing I think of.

Stephen’s 4/20 Message

Nation, tomorrow is 4/20. I don’t have to tell you I will not be doing a show because we don’t do shows on Friday. But I will be doing something else that will keep me busy all day! I’ll be busting you pot heads. Now don’t be paranoid but that sound you hear, that’s me. I’m coming for you moonbeam.

Jimmy, let’s take it over here.

Alpha Dog of the Week – Cory Booker

Notable Quotables

  • Folks, when you ask a dog what’s on top of the house he says “roof”.   When you ask an Alpha Dog what’s on top of a house he says, “What do I look like, a f*@king architect?”
  • Last week, Mayor Booker found himself in a life and death game of fetch and turned out to be a golden retriever.
  • He is so hands on, one time he even pulled himself over and then sued himself for racial profiling.

Folks, it’s no secret that our cities are suffering a massive budget crisis. Municipalities have to cut back on fire departments, boards of health and public safety, in many cities the police have been replaced by a gun duct taped to a Roomba.

Exactly, like the time my neighbor Alan’s house caught on fire and I drove my car away from it so he would not be liable for any damage. Gotta look out for each other.

And this Alpha Dog has a history of lifting his leg on danger.

This big dog has shown us how to neuter big city budgets. Fire all the municipal workers and let our elected officials do their jobs. I mean, why can’t New York mayor Mike Bloomberg drive a bus? If he sits on a stack of old phone books, I bet he could see over the steering wheel.

The Enemy Within – Bologna Border Bust

Now this Mexichaos is spilling over our border.   Tonight, I’m exposing the most terrifying scourge to cross the Rio Grande since Caesar Milan.  What’s he whispering to our dogs? Why can’t he say it out loud?

Jim Hillcrest is the founder of the American Minutemen Project.  A volunteer force of patriots, dedicated to keeping their eyes on threats coming in from Mexico.

Jim: Any kind of contraband coming across those borders: whether it be guns, drugs, or something as innocuous as a slab of bologna is the enemy with in.

Time’s 2012 Top 100 Most Influential

Nation, I know I’m not perfect.

Tavis Smiley & Cornel West

Sign Off- Time’s Top 100

That's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!

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