The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER:  8093 (April 26, 2012)
GUESTS: Jack White
SEGMENTS: Barack Obama’s Slow Jam Backlash | Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack 1st Treasure Hunt Clue | Jack White – “Freedom at 21” | Sign Off – Montclair Film Festival
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Black/grey stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 26, 2012

Intro

Tonight, republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad.  I can’t wait to hear what country he was born in now!  Then, Super PACs go to college and immediately gain political power…  and fifteen pounds.   And my guest, Jack White, has a new album: Blunderbuss.  Finally!  A pro-gun song not by Ted Nugent.

James Carville says Mitt Romney stole his famous lines.  I don’t remember Romney saying, “Hello children, I live in your nightmares”.

Welcome to The Report, thank you for joining us. Before we start off I just want to say, I would like to do tonight’s show for the whales. Whoo pssh. Love you Jenna.

Barack Obama’s Slow Jam Backlash

Notable Quotables

  • This could be close for Obama and Obama is clearly panicking.  ‘Cause on Tuesday, in a blatant pander to the youth vote, Obama went on the Jimmy Fallon Giggle Time News Hour to talk about his student loan policy.  Well, it was a pathetically successful ploy to be appealing and Fox News nailed him for it!
  • Exactly!  Why can’t Obama be more like Harry Truman?  He knew how to reach out to the youth vote: Nuke Japan.

Well, Nation, the general election is in full swing and it looks like the only voting block that matters other than stay at home moms, social conservative Hispanic dads, and evangelical NASCAR uncles are the young people.

In the 2008 election Barak Obama had the kids in the palm of his hand. He was an historic candidate. He spoke their language and he briefly toured with the Black Eyed Peas.

But Mr. Fresh Faced Hopey Changey of 2008 has now become Old Grey Haired Grandpa Didn’t Close Gitmo and the younglings are in play.

Count Chocula is right. This… good to see him getting work, good to see him getting work.

Now that is the kind of gravitas we want in the leader of the free wizzle because clearly, listen to him, Mitt is down with the homies. He has to be! He has so many homesies.

Hashtag not funny. Turn off your Atari Obama ‘cause the game is over. So remember kids, when you step into that voting booth ask yourself, “Who do I like? The guy I like? Or the guy I don’t like?” I think the choice is clear.

Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack 1st Treasure Hunt Clue

Now, luckily folks, I don’t need any help relating to the youth-kids ‘cause I’m young. I always- Yeah, thank you! The people have spoken. They know I’m young ‘cause I always carry a full deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards and I love the Power Rangers!

Yes, I have planted a seed in Austin, Texas and I’m sure no one will take what I’m about to say out of context, I want to spread my seed around a lot of colleges.

While the amateurs over here think they’ve been going after the youth vote, I have been quietly building a vast network of college Super PACs with my Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack. It contains everything college students need to create actual Super PACs and become political king makers: Millions of dollars sold separately.

Now, only 1,000 of these boxes were made and less than one week we sold out but by today they should all have been delivered to campuses around America. Kids, here’s how you recognize it. It’s the thing in your mailbox that’s not from Valpak, Chase Sapphire, or whoever Jury Summons is. That guy really wants me to come hang out with him. I told you to stop writing me Mr. Summons, do not make me take you to court.

No words, just hysterical laughing.-Kris

Folks, what is the one thing you never knew existed but absolutely have to have? That’s right, it’s a one hundred year old, antique, sterling silver bell in the shape of a turtle… That, that’s the sound of freedom.

This priceless antique was made in Chester, England in 1911 and was likely used to summon servants on British estates like Downton Abbey.

But you could use it to summon the politician’s loyalty you’ll be purchasing with your unlimited Super PAC money. Oh, Governor Romney? Bring me my tea Mitt and relax EPA regulations. Look sharp, man!

And now, to start the treasure hunt I reveal the launch clue: Red, yellow, orange, green, blue, pink, light blue, black. And yes, that looks like the gay pride flag because we’re here, we’re using unlimited funds to influence the election, get used to it.

Isn’t that right Terrence?

Jack White

Folks, my guest tonight is a rock impresario whose new solo album is called Blunderbuss. It’s a great album but it takes five minutes to muzzle load into your CD player.

Stephen: Now, Jack, thanks for coming… where’s, where’s Jack?  Jimmy, where’s Jack?

Jack: Um, Stephen can I talk to you for a minute?

Stephen:  Do you wanna just?  You could talk over here, if you wanted to.

Jack : Back here for a minute.

Stephen:  Okay, okay, I’ll be right, uh, I’ll be right back.  Hold on, one second.

Stephen:Hey, what’s up?

Jack : Do we have to do this?

Stephen:  Like, do what?

Jack : This.

Stephen:  This show?  What do you mean, d-do what?

Jack : Well, why can’t it just be the music?  I mean, what would we, what would we talk about?

Stephen:  Um.

Jack :  You want to talk about music?  That’s ridiculous!  That’s like that phrase, you know, that’s like dancing about architecture or singing about paintings or something.  You want-  Is that your Billy Idol again?

Stephen:  Yeah.  We could go dance.  We could go out there and dance.  We don’t have to talk.  You wanna go dance?

Jack :  No, I wanna-

Stephen:  You’re a renowned dancer.

Jack :  No, I’m not.  I can’t even play music.

Stephen:  You are renowned for dancing.

Jack :  No I am not.

Stephen:  Let’s do a dry run.

Jack :  Okay.

Stephen:  You don’t like it, we don’t do it.

Jack :  Okay.

Stephen:  Okay.  We both sit down and I’d say, like, Jack White, hey man, good to see you again!  How’ve you been?

Jack :  Okay.

Stephen:  Last year you and I did a record together.

Jack :  We did, yep.

Stephen:  Yeah, yeah, um… you guaranteed me a Grammy.  How’d that work out?

Jack :  The- I don’t think the voting, I don’t think the voting process has started for that yet.

Stephen:  Really?  When do we submit it?

Jack :  Usually a good year after the record is put out.

Stephen:  Great, so listen; when we’re nominated, um, so we’ll be going to the Grammys together?

Jack :  Yeah, all right, okay.

Stephen:  Great.  The new album is called Blunderbuss.

Jack : Yes.

Stephen:  It’s your first solo album.

Jack :  Yes.

Stephen:  Is there any coincidence that you work with me and then you went solo?

Jack :  No.  There’s no coincidence at all.

Stephen:  Do you hear any of my influence in your recent work?

Jack :  No, I don’t.  Not at all.

Stephen:  ‘Cause I hear it.

Jack :  You do?

Stephen:  Oh, yeah.  Oh, yeah it’s subtle.  It’s subtle.

Jack :  Like, like, as in what?

Stephen:  The rhythm.  It has rhythm.  A lot of your earlier stuff-

Jack :  Didn’t have rhythm?

Stephen:  Well, it was polyrhythmic stuff.

Jack :  Really?

Stephen:  By the way, uh, I offered to do some guest vocals on your album, I never heard back from you.  Is there any time for me to slap a little something in the background on that?

Jack : I think we’re just gonna get this album out as the, the preliminary.

Stephen:  I’m ready to juice it, you know?

Jack :  Juice it?

Stephen:  Put a little electricity.  Like ah haaaa yeah!  Woo hoo, yeah.

Jack :  That’s juicing it?

Stephen:  Let me tell you about it!  You know?

Jack :  You’re going to do that in between my verses?

Stephen:  Ah haaa, yeah!  Do you think you could use a little bit of that?…

Stephen: That f*@king grabs the audience by the balls right there.

Jack :  Maybe in some re-recordings of the record-

Stephen:  Hunh!… Do you ever do that kind of stuff in your songs?

Jack :  No.  By accident maybe.

Stephen:  Um hmm.  I gotta ask you a question:  We’re friends, right?

Jack : Yes.

Stephen:  That’s the question.

Jack :  Okay.

Stephen:  I just wanted to have that on record.

Jack :  Yeah, we are friends.

Stephen:  Jack White friend of Stephen Colbert, it’s pretty cool.  Thank you, it’s official. Tonight you’re performing, uh, your new single, uh, Freedom at 21.

Jack :  Mm hmm. You wanted to talk about that.

Stephen:  No.  Unless you do.

Jack :  I’m fine.  I’d rather just play the song.  Rather than talk about the song.

Jack White – “Freedom at 21”

Enjoy the performance here!

Sign Off- Montclair Film Festival
Sign Off – Montclair Film Festival

Nation, I don’t know what you thought you were doing between May 1st and May 6th but I have some news for you.  You are now attending the first annual Montclair Film Festival.  Tell your brother Jeff he can graduate from law school some other time because you’re going to be seeing some great films like the May 5th screening of Flat Daddy: A documentary about military families who cope with loved ones stationed overseas using life-size cardboard cutouts.  Flat Daddy, not to be confused with Flat Packing the gripping documentary about Ikea… that does not exist.

To find out more visit MontclairFilmFest.org.  Get your tickets today and be part of the first ever film festival with talkies.   I’m telling ya, they are the future kids!  That’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight.

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