May 10, 2012– Dr. Francis Collins

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER:  8101 (May 10, 2012)
GUESTS: Dr. Francis Collins
SEGMENTS: Mother’s Day Shout Out | Barack Obama’s Gay Blasphemy | ThreatDown – Interdimensional Black People, Gay Strokes & Manipulative Sicko Monkeys | Wisconsin’s Fake Democrats | Sign Off – Two Weeks Off & Dry Roasted Peanuts
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | White shirt | Blue spotted tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, May 10, 2012

Intro- 5/10/12

Tonight, new innovations in crime fighting.  Is it time to give our tazers their own guns?  Then, political chaos in Wisconsin: Its time to rage against the milking machine!  And my guest, Dr. Francis Collins, is in a new, four part, HBO documentary on obesity.  It was supposed to be one part but they super sized it.

Nearly 40% of New York’s 911 calls are butt dials.  Which begs the question: Who is attacking New York’s butts?

That’s quite lovely!… You know what you just proved? That we do shower the people we love with love.

Mother’s Day Shout Out

Folks, this is my last show before Mother’s Day and I want to give a shout out to America’s moms, especially mine. So, happy Mother’s Day, mom! When it comes to gifts, you always say it’s the thought that counts. So… (thinks hard) There you go! I made that all by myself.

Barack Obama’s Gay Blasphemy

Now, Nation, I don’t know about you but I am still reeling from President Obama’s announcement the other day, that he is gay. Now I assume, I have to assume that’s the reason he supports gay marriage.

But folks, I am an originalist. I believe God ordained marriage to be between one man and that man’s rib. Now, I know that sounds a little gay but the rib gets turned into a woman so everything’s Jake.

Same reason why it’s okay to have sex with bbq, okay. But try telling that to the close minded wait staff at Chili’s. Read the Bible, guys.

I am equally troubled by how Obama came to this decision. (Obama: “I’ve been going through an evolution on this issue.”) Folks.

I have always said evolution is just a slippery slope to gay. I mean, just look at the chart. It goes monkey, chimp, biped, caveman, neanderthal, homosapien, and finally, homosexual.

Yes. Obama’s contradicting The Jesus and I, right now, would like to read to you what The Jesus said about homosexuality. I’d like to but he never said anything about it.

Evidently, evidently Jesus was so filled with rage, he was speechless but I am confident he condemned it all the time in private. When he was hanging out with those twelve other dudes at their elaborate dinner parties, where they all sat on the same side of the table. Just living the bachelor life together, drinking wine and working on their washboard abs.

ThreatDown – Interdimensional Black People, Gay Strokes & Manipulative Sicko Monkeys

Now, Nation, there is a common household item that could kill you.  I just wish I knew what it was.

Nation, anybody knows me knows I am no fan of violence.  If I had my way, I’d take violence out behind my studio and beat it with a rusty pipe until its face looked like a half eaten velvet cake.

And there’s no greater ally in the fight against violence than the NYPD and their stop and frisk program.  Which allows New York police to search anybody they find suspicious.  Now, since this is New York, I believe they look for people who are acting strange and then stop everyone else.

They stopped more young black men then there are in New York City.  That could mean only one of two things, either they’re targeting young black men so often that the same ones get frisked over and over or the much simpler explanation, threat number three, interdimensional black people.

Clearly, clearly there is a rift in the race time continuum.  They are coming over from other dimensions to be black at us!  These minorities are traveling here via some kind of, black hole.  I’m sorry, excuse me, I’m sorry, African American hole.

Now, folks, I want to make it clear: I have nothing against black people.  From this dimension.  Those are the good ones.

But black people from other worlds, who knows if they’re friendly?  In those other dimensions for all I know my evil twin is a horrible racist and those black interdimensional interlopers might be here for revenge! NYPD, I beg you to stop and frisk all of them!

By the way, do not Google “gay tailspin”.  Don’t do it!

That’s right, he suddenly turned gay, in the middle of heterosexually doing summersaults down a hill.

The stroke…

Wisconsin’s Fake Democrats

Dr. Francis Collins

Sign Off – Two Weeks Off & Dry Roasted Peanuts

Well, folks. Thank you. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s it for The Report. We are off for the next two weeks. Have a great May. We’ll see you in the summertime.

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