May 31, 2012 — Jack Hitt

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8104 (May 31, 2012)
GUESTS: Jack Hitt
SEGMENTS:  The Best-Selling I Am A Pole (And So Can You!) | President Obama’s Righteous Drone Strikes | The Word- Two Birds With One Drone | Michael Bloomberg’s Supersized Soda Scheme | Jack Hitt | Sign Off- Welcome Baby Gwinn!
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt with black pinstripes | Black tie with white stripes
VIDEOS: Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Best-Selling I Am A Pole (And So Can You!)

Folks, if you watch this show, if you're a frequent watcher of this show and I hope you are, you know I wear many hats: pundit, journalist, and this one that says I'm a female body inspector. Which, due to a pending court case, I legally must inform you, is not an actual governmental position. Once again, my apologies to Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Now, recently folks, recently, I add another hat, that of children's book author. Thanks to the publication of I Am A Pole (And So Can You) which is currently number one in the New York Times Bestseller List of Advice, How to, and Miscellaneous. That's right: Advice, How to, and Miscellaneous. In your face The Blood Sugar Solution by Doctor Mark Hyman. Number six. Six, ouch! Plus, kind of a creepy name for a children's book.

Now, some might say, "Why are you in that category Stephen? A pole can't give you advice. That is story a complete fantasy." Oh, is it, people who say that? Well, why is I Am A Pole also number two on Publisher's Weekly's list of Best Seller Nonfiction. Nonfiction. Non-Nonfiction. That means everything in this book actually happened.

And I certainly, I certainly hope no journalist does exhaustive groundwork that proves me a liar. 'Cause the last thing I want is to be embroiled in a literary scandal over this clearly nonfiction book about a talking pole finding his purpose in life and in strip clubs. A controversy like that might land me in a teary eyed interview with Oprah and that would destroy my sales.

Speaking of which, the only other hardcover nonfiction book ahead of me is The Passage of Power, the forth volume in Caro's expansive biography of LBJ that took him ten years to write. This took me ten minutes to write. I am winning. I am winning.

And, of course, my sales are smoking my fellow pundits. I sold more than Rachel Maddow's Drift, Bill O'Reilly's Killing Lincoln, and I blew the doors of Sean Hannity's 30 Days To A Thicker Neck.

So, folks, go out an buy this book. It's great for Mother's Day, which has already passed but go out and buy one for next year. Father's day, graduation...

and don't forget to pick up the audio book. Narrated by Oscar winner Tom Hanks. All of my and Tom's money from this audio book will go to U.S. Vets, the United States Veteran's Initiative. Which helps veterans transition back into civilian life.

Little, uh, little backstage anecdote. Thank you. Thank you. It's a great organization. Uh, little kind of fun, backstage anecdote. During the recording of the book, Tom Hanks told me that I remind him of a young Forrest Gump. Thank you, sir.

President Obama’s Righteous Drone Strikes

Now, folks, we all know Barak Obama has been working hard to kill our economy, but it turns out there is something he is working even harder to kill.

That's right, we took out Al Qaeda's number two and it's not the first time. In 2011, 2008, and 2006 we also took out Al Qaeda's number twos.

Right now that must be a kind of a tough position to fill. "A promotion to number two? Oh, Mr. al-Zawahiri I flattered but I promised I'd coach my son's Buzkashi team and it's my turn to bring the headless goat carcass."

Now, Al Qaeda operatives aren't just afraid to move up, they're afraid to look up because Obama has carried out five times as many covert drone strikes as George Bush. So what's behind the President's righteous kill spree? Could it be he's just gunning for another Nobel Peace Prize? Good luck, sir.

Or could it be moral authority? You see, the President campaigned on the promise to shut down the prison on Guantanamo Bay but that turned out to be real hard. So, rather than sending prisoners to Gitmo he is taking the high road by sending them to their maker.

As the New York Times puts it "Mr. Obama has avoided the complications of detention by deciding to take no prisoners alive." It's brilliant! He doesn't have to worry about Habeas Corpus because after a drone strike sometimes you can't even find the corpus.

The only problem is folks, occasionally our drones kill civilians. But you know what they say, "To make an omelet you've gotta kill a few civilians."

The Word- Two Birds With One Drone

Unfortunately, killing civilians hurts America's moral standing but the administration has a solution and it's the subject of tonight's word.

To make sure only terrorists are killed the White House has set rigorous standards for who gets targeted and as counter terrorism adviser John Brennan explained:

Yes, it is comforting to know that the administration has set the bar at the high level of killing the right person.

Yes, Obama gets "baseball cards" with pictures and stats on suspected terrorists and, of course, a stick of stale gum. Which he gives to Biden.

Eventually, eventually the process must work because a senior administration official said that the number of civilians killed in drone strikes in Pakistan under Mr. Obama was in the single digits. That's impressive because those bombs are huge.

And the administration has developed a brilliant system for ensuring those building engulfing explosions don't kill noncombatants. They just count all military aged in a strike zone as combatants.

They reason that Al Qaeda is an isolated, radical group so anyone with them is probably Al Qaeda. The same way that anyone at Comic Con is probably a virgin.

Now, folks. Now this isn't just the president executing innocent people around the world by fiat. There is an appeals process. The men are considered terrorist unless there is explicit intelligence posthumously proving them innocent. In which case, I assume there is a legal process that unkills them.

Now, best of all, keeping civilian casualties down by saying that civilians don't really exist could solve the President's Gitmo problem once and for all because you know what that place is full of?

It is full of known terrorists. He should shut that place down with some drone strikes. Of course, that might take out some guards but using the President's own standard, they are military aged males spending time with terrorists. They must be guilty of something and if we just keep using logic like that, none of us have to feel guilty about anything.

Michael Bloomberg’s Supersized Soda Scheme

Nation, I am no fan of New York City billionaire, billionmayor Mike Bloomberg. He is turning New York into a organic, slow food nanny state. First, he banned smoking. Then, he banned trans fats. Then, he added bike lanes everywhere. Now it's nearly impossible for me to hit bikers on my drive to work.

No more giant sodas? Come on! This is America, the land of plenty! We haven't even achieved type three diabetes yet. We're so close.

And I don't know about you folks but I can't drink less than sixteen ounces. I need a soda so large that James Cameron wants to go to the bottom of it.

This ban will completely ruin my movie going experience! I go to the cinema to drink an oil drum of soda that makes me pee thirty times. By the way I missed the end of Thelma and Louise, how did that road trip go? Can't wait for the sequel.

How am I supposed to receive proper refreshment? Buy two sodas? How does this even work? There's two straws! I've only got one mouth. Where do I stick the other one Bloomberg? You sick bastard!

Make sure not to mix those straws up but... fine, fine! If this is our new reality I guess we're all going to have to make some big changes. Drinkie come on out here, boy. Come on out here, Drinkie.

This is Drinkie, he's my pet giant drink. You, uh, you may remember Drinkie from previous episodes. He usually tries to kill me but I took him to a cup whisperer and he's much more obedient now.

Hey, buddy, hey buddy, you wanna go for a drink? Look, oh, look he's wagging his little straw. Okay, we'll go in a second Drinkie but first, um, why don't you just go over there and look at that sunset. Okay, buddy? Just, uh, your just go, your just going to stare into the sun, boy. You just don't turn around Drinkie. Just, just keep staring at the sun Drinkie.

I-I love you, boy! Nooo! No, Drinkie! No, Drinkie! Nooo! He was so young! And so refreshing! Is this what you want Bloomberg? You monster! Ooh, Drinkie, oh, oh! Oh, that hits the spot! Oh, I'm so sad! I'm so thirsty!

Jack Hitt

My guest tonight is the author of a new book called A Bunch of Amateurs: A Search for the American Character. The search is over, I'm right here.



Sign Off- Welcome Baby Gwinn!

Folks, before we go I just want to welcome the newest member of the Colbert Nation, Oliver Campbell Gwinn. Congratulations to the entire Gwinn family, with a name like that he's destined to grow up to be a 1920s bare knuckle prize fighter.

Oliver's the second son born to my writer, Peter Gwinn, since he began working on this show. Which has me suspicious that he has broken our strict, company abstinence pledge. I mean, one baby, whose to say? Maybe they shared a Slurpee, I heard that can happen. But two babies? I've gotta hunch somebodies been doing some extracurricular tip wagging.

So to Peter and his entire family I would like to extend a sincere and heartfelt cut it out. Goodnight, everybody!



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