June 7, 2012 — Regina Spektor

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8108 (June 7, 2012)
GUESTS: Regina Spektor
GUESTS: “Ballad of a Politician”
SEGMENTS: Corruption on Pakistan’s “Sesame Street” | The New York Times’ Hit Job on Mitt Romney’s Home | A Teacup Pig’s Partisan Politics | Regina Spektor – “Small Town Moon” | Sign Off – Colbert Super PAC – Super Fun Pack Treasure Hunt Hint
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Light blue tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 7, 2012

Intro

Tonight, has America become too partisan? Or is that just what the other side wants you to believe? And, our relationship with Pakistan is on the rocks. Though, pretty much everything in Pakistan is on rocks. And my guest, singer, Regina Spektor, has a new album called What We Saw From the Cheap Seats. I’ll tell her what I saw from the sky box.

Scientists say dinosaurs were skinnier than what we think. Well, the ones at museum certainly are nothing but bone.

Thank you… mindless zombies. Welcome to The Report. Thank you for joining us.

Corruption on Pakistan’s “Sesame Street”

Nation, you know we have a complicated relationship with Pakistan. It’s sort of a love/hate relationship. They love to hate us and we hate that we have to love them.

Still, they’re a valuable ally in the global war on terror. That’s why I was so upset to hear about the end of a crucial national security operation going on in the heart of Islamabad.

Twenty million dollars of corruption on Sesame Street! I believe congress needs to hold hearings and ask some tough questions: what Elmo know and when Elmo know it.

And, folks, this show called Sim Sim Hamara has already been in production in Pakistan for a year and was created with a grant from the United States Agency for International Development with the goal of improving education and increasing tolerance.

It was our most successful deployment of the puppet in the region since Hamid Karzai. But- Very lifelike, very lifelike.

But an investigation of corruption has been launched thanks to a tip to a State Department telephone hotline. Although it did take a long time for that hotline to get answered.

Now, according, according to Pakistani press reports, the corrupt puppeteers or corrupteteers behind Sim Sim Hamara were using US money to pay off old debts and awarding lucrative contracts to relatives.And that’s not all folks. The Report has obtained this exclusive undercover footage of the corruption in action.

We caught Elmo red handed! Folks, that guy is bad news! Not only has he been linked to state sponsored terrorism, he’s also been linked to 8 sponsored terrorism.

I hope this mess gets cleared up soon. Our Pakistani puppet program is too important for national security, remember: that’s how we found Osama Bin Laden. First, we asked the children of Abbottabad, “Who are the people in your neighborhood?” and it turns out one of these things was not like the others.

The New York Times’ Hit Job on Mitt Romney’s Home

Now, nation, it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of The New York Times.  I cannot trust a paper that thinks that this is a T.

No, it’s not.  This is a T.

And what are those extra parts?  Hmm, where have I seen that before?  Ah ha!

Now, just check out folks, just check out how deep in the tank these guys are for Barak Obama.  Just today they did a hit job on Mitt Romney in the Home section.  Look at that! The Candidate Next Door.  Front page, above the fold, massive article slamming Mitt Romney’s twelve million dollar mansion in La Joya, California.

For which The Times devoted “several days of interviews” with about a dozen of Mitt’s neighbors.  Learning all of the Salacious details, like the “elderly woman next door complains that her car is constantly boxed into her driveway”.

Oh no!  Mitt kept a cranky old lady from driving?  Now who will plough into our farmer’s markets?

The article goes on to say that, “down the street, a widow grouses that her children’s favorite dog-walking route has been disrupted.”  A widow!  Oh, thank you for that by-no-means emotionally manipulative detail, The New York Times!

What’s wrong?  Couldn’t you find a blind orphan for him to have tripped?

Besides, what is she complaining about? If her dog needs to go out, Mitt would be more than happy to strap it to the roof of his car.

Now, folks, I can’t believe this.  Most of these complaints are over the massive renovations that Romney is doing to his property.  But guess what, old grey lady, nobody likes the guy getting renovations done but afterwards it looks nicer and property values go up. So get over it Alan!  My dumpster will be off your patio by September.

…Mitt’s not doing much here.  He’s just installing a car elevator.  It’s a standard renovation like adding a wine cellar or a trampoline room or a wine trampoline.

It’s not news, no.  What’s news is what The Times thinks is news. Quote, “A young man in town recalled that Mr. Romney confronted him as he smoked marijuana and drank on the beach last summer, demanding that he stop.”  They’re trying to make Mitt Romney seem like officer buzz kill.

Oh, mean old Mr. Romney on the corner won’t let you smoke your doobbies!  That guy should be grateful!  A mormon republican running for president sees you smoking weed and doesn’t narc you out to the cops, who are guarding him?  I would say that makes Mitt Romney hella chill.

I don’t know, why hasn’t he been endorsed by high times?

I mean the only thing, the only thing this article proves is that every section of The New York Times is out to get Mitt Romney. I mean, just look at today’s style section: Putting Together the Perfect Look That Screams “Jerk”.  Or-or just look at Dinning In: Romeny Puts Cilantro In His Guacamole.  What an A-hole.

A Teacup Pig’s Partisan Politics

But I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, folks!  I shouldn’t be surprised I guess. This country has never been more divided. A recent poll by Pew Research found that Americans are more polarized along partisan lines than at any point in the past 25 years.

I just can’t take it anymore!  How did we end up here?  Where is our sense of community?  That recognition of our shared values that we had during World War II that allowed us to come together as a nation and intern those Japanese Americans.

Isn’t there something, anything that all Americans can agree on?  Well folks, I may have found it.  It’s this video of a teacup pig named Hamlet going down the stairs for a bowl of oatmeal and it may be the most important piece of footage you see this year.

Oh, oh he wants that oatmeal so bad but he’s too afraid!  Come on Hamlet!  Come on, we, we believe in you! Come on buddy, one step at a time.  You’re doing it.  Eye of the tiger, Hamlet.  Don’t give up now, you’re so close!  All the way.  And, and come on.  Yes!  Right into the bowl! Oh, have at it!  Oh, eat your heart out Hamlet, you can do it!

Oh, folks, I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say that today, we are all Hamlet the pig. Ich bin einer kleiner schwein (I am a small pig).

Folks, I don’t know about you but that little pig is so adorable I’m going to have trouble eating my Sunday bacon.  Which, you know, is probably exactly what the vegans want.  Oh, my God, it is nothing but a liberal anti-meat propaganda.  I should have known it when they ended it with a heart healthy whole grain breakfast!

Wait, wait, wait, no wait, wait.  What am I saying?  It’s just an innocent video of an adorable pink pig triumphing over long odds…  Pink?  Hamlet’s a guys name.  That’s a gay pig!  They’ve done it again!  Is nothing safe from the homosexual agenda?  Even my pork sausage… no, no, no, no.  I’m sorry.  No.

… Pull it together ColberT, it’s just a pig eating at a little trough. Just like welfare queens sucking at the government teat.  And notice he’s being helped down the stairs?  I’m surprised the government didn’t mandate a pig wheelchair ramp. Pick yourself up by your own hoofstraps!

Now, I guess I was wrong folks.  What I thought was a cute little pig is just another symbol of the international socialist conspiracy.  Just like that “Hang in There” cat.  We get it.  You want the rest of us to pay for your rescue with a taxpayer funded fireman.  Get a job, Fluffy!
Regina Spektor

My guest tonight is a singer, songwriter, and pianist who was born in the Soviet Union.  Heh, I said pianist.

Stephen:

Regina:

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Regina Spektor – “Small Town Moon

i must’ve lived a thousand times
but every day begins the same
cause there’s a small town in my mind
how can i leave without hurting everyone that made me?…

oh, baby, baby, it’s all about the moon
i wish you wouldn’t have broken my camera
cause we’re going to get real old real soon
today we’re younger than we’re ever going to be…

stop, stop, what’s the hurry?
come on baby, don’t you worry, worry
everybody not so nice, nice
everybody not so nice, nice…

i ought to, ought to know by now…
everybody not so nice, nice…

oh, baby, baby, baby, it’s all about the moon
i must’ve lived a thousand times
but there’s a small town in my mind
how can i leave without hurting everyone that made me?…

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