June 7, 2012 — Steve Coll

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8112 (June 14, 2012)
GUESTS: Steve Coll
SEGMENTS: Marijuana Legalization as Election Hot-Button Issue | Super PAC Super Cash & 24-Hour Political Ad Channels | Cheating Death – Penis Curvature Cures & Single Women Sleep Aids | Sign Off – Bon Voyage, Peter Gwinn
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Navy/white stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 14, 2012


 Marijuana Legalization as Election Hot-Button Issue

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for joining us and more than that, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for feeling at me.

Nation, we are less then five months away from picking our next president and at this point its anybody’s election. (Herman Cain: Aw, shucky ducky!) No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Not anybody’s. I’m sorry. Either Obama or Romney’s election.

Because the latest Gallup poll has them separated by less than a percentage point.  In 2004 we had an equally close race between Bush and Kerry.  That year, Bush won because eleven states had anti-marriage ballot initiatives that drove conservatives to the polls.

‘Cause nothing gets value voters to yank the lever like the thought of two guys yanking each other’s levers.

Yes, marijuana support is at a record high. Just like it’s supporters.

Now, crucial swing states including Colorado, Ohio, and Michigan will all have pot legalization initiatives on the ballot this November and democrats are hoping it will boost turn out among young people because folks, this is the ultimate grass roots campaign.

Folks, these pro-pot initiatives, if they make it onto the ballot, I say Romney is doomed. ‘Cause we all know pot smokers are highly motivated, organized, and punctual. There is nothing they would love more than getting off the couch, putting on pants, and going to high school gyms packed with judgmental old people.

I say, folks, Romney’s only hope is that on November 6th. Discovery runs a Planet Earth marathon. Oh, s#*t! Did you see that shark?

Super PAC Super Cash & 24-Hour Political Ad Channels

Of course, Romeny’s only other hope is attracting a completely different demographic. These dead white men.

A billion dollars on the election! Just more evidence that Obama’s presidency has lead to wasteful spending.

All of this Super Pac super cash is thanks to Citizen’s United, the Supreme Court decision which established that, in politics, money equals free speech. As Justice Anthony Kennedy explained in the majority opinion, and I quote *ch-ching*.

Precisely! Buying detergent and electing a president are exactly the same thing because when I buy Tide I have to use it for four years and so does everyone in America. Also, Tide gets to approve drone strikes on it’s enemies.

In fact, I’m surprised republicans haven’t already nominated Tide for president. It gets your whites whiter than white.

Shockingly, there may be a downside to having our political process engulfed by a tsunami of tsumoney.  There is so much Super Pac cash to be spent this year, that TV networks could actually run out of air time to sell more political ads.  There’s a finite number of commercials?  You wouldn’t guess that from watching movies on TNT.

Politicians raise all this money to spend on TV now there’s not enough TV to spend it on. All that money’s backing up. We’re gonna get blue bills.

Luckily, luckily folks, there’s an innovation in free speech from former Hawaii Governor and rejected Superman love interest, Linda Lingle. She is running for the Senate seat vacated by Dan Akaka. Lingle is hoping to follow Akaka in Hawaii’s long tradition of Senators with hilarious names.

She is currently trailing her likely democratic opponent by twenty points but all of that is about to change…  That’s right Linda Lingle is using campaign funds to start her own cable channel.  So now you’ll be able to see her anytime you turn on the TV.  Just like Senator Seacrest.

With Lingle 2012, Lingle can reach voters who will watch 24 hours of political ads. Key demographics like insomniacs, people in traction, people who can’t find the remote, people trapped under a bookcase, empty Best Buy stores, and cats left alone with the TV for comfort. Personally… they make great companions.

I can’t wait to see what sort of programming she’ll have. From her morning show, Aloha Lingle, to her late night sign off, Aloha Lingle.

I say this important breakthrough in free speech is too important to keep isolated on Hawaii like Tom Selleck or leprosy.

This, this is the most important election of our lifetime! And if money is speech, speech that informs voters and an informed electorate is the bedrock of democracy, then for the good of this divided nation, I say Barack Obama and Mitt Romney should each immediately get their own cable channels, dedicated solely to their election. Oh, that was quick!

Cheating Death – Penis Curvature Cures & Single Women Sleep Aids

Nation, you know me.  I’m the picture of health and I have been heavily photoshopped.

As always Cheating Death is brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals but if the FDA’s asking, we’re Herb’s Appliances.

Folks, every guy’s man business bends to one side or the other but in severe cases the angle of the dangle can become a serious medical issue and make intercourse difficult, if not impossible. For instance, you’re trying to make love to your wife and you end up having an affair with the clock radio on the nightstand.

Well, good news, fellas, Auxilium pharmaceuticals has a new cure for sufferers of fusilli phallus.  It’s called Xiaflex.

In a trial of over 400 patients the average curvature for men treated with Xiaflex went from 49 degrees to 31 degrees a year later. That is great news for patients and for the penis protractor industry.

Xiaflex is safe and easy to use. It’s just eight injections into the penis that can cause pain, swelling, and hematomas. The doctor then manipulates the penis by hand to help break up the penile plaque. Don’t worry, it’ll show up on your credit card statement as “entertainment services”.

Xiaflex is all natural since it’s “derived from an enzyme that a gangrene-causing bacterium uses to eat away at the tissues of its victims”. Yes, gangrene! So congratulations, your penis will now be as healthy as veteran of the Crimean Wars.

But why go through penile plaque needles, gangrene, and a doctor wringing out your dingus like a damp cloth? Should we really be making men feel bad about their curvy penises when we could be making women feel bad about their freakishly straight vaginas?

That’s why the all male research team at Prescott is proud to introduce Dr. Prescott’s crotch-thotics. A corrective, polyurethane, introvaginal sleeve in three styles to match your partner’s unique shape. There’s Boomerang, The Great Gonzo, and Crazy Straw.

Side effects of Dr. Prescott’s crotch-thotics may include: headface, admiral’s clubfoot, and Bilious Dee Williams.

Folks, if you’re an insomniac there’s good news from my favorite sleep aid CNN Headline News.

What about women who aren’t married? Well, to help insomniac singles Prescott Pharmaceuticals is proud to present: Vacsa-Jeff. Vacsa-Jeff will ensure that you ladies get the restful, stress free sleep that you deserve.

Vacsa-Jeff: Yeah.  No funny stuff.  I might not even sleep.  I’ll just watch you all night.

Stephen: Of course, severe cases of insomnia may require a higher dosage so Vacsa-Jeff will bring his friend, Vacsa Terry.

Vacsa-Terry: Hey.

Vacsa-Jeff: Oh, that’d be great.  Uh, he’s going through kind of a rough time right now.  Kind of a rough patch and he really needs a place to crash. You- Don’t ask about Deb.

Vacsa-Terry: Did she call?

Stephen: No.  Side effects of Vacsa-Jeff include missing dvd players, sudden loss of beer, and Deb.

Vacsa-Terry: Did she call?

Stephen: No!

Well, that’s it for Cheating Death brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals.  Your body will thank you because your torso has grown a mouth.  Until next time, I’ll see you in health!

Steve Coll

Folks, my guest tonight is a Pulitzer Prize winner, whose new book is called Private Empire: Exxon Mobile and American Power. Isn’t that redundant?

Stephen:  So, if I’m the president of uh, of uh, of an emerging country, okay? And we find out we’ve got oil.  You know?  Like, right off our coast or coming out of our volcanoes.  Whatever it is.

Steve:  Right.

Stephen:  I’m the president of uh, let’s say, El Diablo.  Okay?  That’s the name of my, my, my country.  I’m president for life.  Uh, what does Exxon come say to me?

Steve:  Exxon comes says to you: do business with us, you’ll get your project done on time, our safety record will be excellent, you’ll get your money really fast, you can do with it what you want.  After they leave the room, the Chinese might come in and say we’ll do that, we’ll also give you some tanks, we’ll give you a security counsel veto and so you’ll have to think: are the Chinese really going to perform as well as Exxon Mobile?  Exxon Mobile’s advantage is that they actually produce oil and gas better most companies in the world but they-

Stephen:  And-and the check clears.

Steve:  The check clears.  They have triple a A credit rating.  The United States government no longer does.  That’s a sense of their, kind of, position in the world. They’ve got a durable business model-

Stephen: So, I think if I’m president of El Diablo, I’m going with Exxon then.

Steve:  And you also potentially get the idea that, if someone tries to come at your presidential palace and dislodge you, for some reason.  Not for misrule, I’m sure but-

Stephen: No, no, no!  My people love me!

Steve:  Yeah, I’m sure they do. 

Stephen:  What about environmental record?  Because as the president of El Diablo, I’ve got beautiful white sandy beaches.  We’ve got the Exxon Valdez as part of their legacy.  Um, did that affect the company in any way?  Are they careful?

Steve:  It did.  It transformed their attitude towards, uh, safety and operational performance because it was a huge trauma inside the company.  They never really recovered from it, in terms of their reputation, but they have become incredibly rigorous and rule bound corporation.  To the point where they tried to wring all human fallibility out of their daily operations.  It’s a very engineering led, manual driven company.

Stephen:  Did you get access to the executives at Exxon to work on this book?

Steve:  A little bit, you know, it was, uh-

Stephen:  Good people?

Steve:  Uh, very smart people.  Uh, very dedicated to what they do.  And very driven by morality.  The current chief executive recently told a magazine, his favorite book is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.  Which is a touchstone-

Stephen:  Mine too.

Steve: Exactly, yeah

Stephen: I love it’s message of, uh… f*@k them, I’ve got mine.

Sign Off – Bon Voyage, Peter Gwinn

Folks, before we go I have a bitter sweet announcement and not just because during the commercial break I drank a bottle licorice schnapps. You see, tonight’s show is the last show for one of my writers, Peter Gwinn. Peter’s not only a first rate writer, he’s also a talented performer who’s lent his presence to some of The Report’s most memorable moments. Let’s take a fond look back.

Bon Voyage, Peter and happy landings. Goodnight.

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