June 21, 2012– Lawrence Krauss

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8116 (June 21, 2012)
GUESTS: Lawrence Krauss
Special Guest: ABBA (Impersonators)
SEGMENTS: Egypt’s Presidential Election & Hosni Mubarak’s Health | ThreatDown – Sicko Penguins, Stoner Babies & Terrorist Furniture | Operation Artificial Swedener – C’mon Sweden, Take a Chance on Stephen|  Sign Off – Lawrence Krauss Shout Out
SUIT REPORT: Dark grey suit | White shirt | Black/blue tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 21, 2012

Egypt’s Presidential Election & Hosni Mubarak’s Health

Nation, last year we were all swept up in the excitement of the Arab Spring. Especially in Egypt last February, when young, pro-democracy protesters filled Cairo’s Tahrir Square and ousted long time strong man, Hosni Mubarak‎. It was a traumatic time for Egyptians and an even more traumatic time for the bathroom at the Tahrir Square Hardees.

Now, it’s a complex situation so let me recap what has happened in Egypt: 5,000 years ago settlements in the Nile Valley united to form the first dynasty. Then pyramids, Cleopatra, The Bangles, blah, blah, blah. Cut to last February.

President Mubarak steps down, handing temporary power to the military. Then, in November, Egyptians voted in their first free parliamentary elections. Handing a strong majority to the conservative, Islamic Muslim Brotherhood. Then, the committee writing a new constitution was disbanded. Then, there was a presidential election with thirteen candidates that lead to a run-off between the Muslim Brotherhood candidate and Mubarak’s former prime minister. Then, on the eve of the presidential run-off Egypt’s top court, which was appointed by Mubarak, dissolved parliament and claimed all legislative power for itself. The Muslim Brotherhood refused to capitulate. Then, they held the presidential election. Both candidates claimed they had won and now officials are delaying announcing the winner

And no one knows who’s in charge. They even checked for babies in baskets on the reeds in the Nile. Nothing!

Well, folks, looking at the big picture I think the answer here is obvious. Egypt needs a strong leader with experience and a bold vision for beating his opponents with truncheons: Hosni Mubarak. He’s a US ally and it’s time to bring him back.

Yes, Hosni is a friend and the fact that he was dead last week really has me worried about his health. Hosni, your people need you. Stay strong! Stiff upper lip, well, stiff everything.

ThreatDown – Sicko Penguins, Stoner Babies & Terrorist Furniture 

Nation, I never throw caution to the wind. It will whip back into your eyes and blind you.

First up folks, I’ve never cared for penguins. Too much dark meat. But now I have a new reason to be repelled by these krill sucking creeps.

A natural history museum in England has just unearthed an unpublished 1915 report from South Pole explorer, George Levick on the sexual habits of Adélie penguins.  Which was followed by Levick’s second report:  I’m Not a Pervert, There Just Isn’t Anything Else To Do In The South Pole.

The Edwardian adventurer reports the frequency of sexual activity, auto-erotic behavior, and seemingly aberrant behavior of young unpaired males and females, including necrophilia, sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks and homosexual behavior.  Shocking!  But that’s just the tip of the iceberg and we all know the tip is the most sensitive part of the iceberg.

And so, folks, threat number three: Sicko Penguins!

Nation, our kids look up to these flightless freaks. Madagascar, Surf’s Up, Happy Feet. I’ll tell you why those feet were happy, somebody was sucking on their toes. It will not be long before our kids are carrying lunchboxes with penguins giving each other a beak around.

And Levick’s report gets pretty graphic:

By the way, the final depression of the cloaca is penguin for money shot.

Well, I think we all now know why they never had a blooper reel from March of the Penguins.

Next up folks, it seems that kids start experimenting with drugs younger and younger. Why do you think they’re always losing their teeth? That kid’s a tweeker!

Soaps contain THC!?! No wonder pot heads have such impeccable hygiene.

Well, all of this brings us to threat number two: Stoner babies! Folks, it all makes sense. They lie around in their filth all day watching Yo Gabba Gabba! and giggling at the stupidest stuff!

Like jangling car keys.

Finally, The Atlantic is reporting just how vulnerable the homeland is to terrorism.  Of all the victims of terrorist attacks last year U.S. citizens made up .001%.  Adding, “a comparable number of Americans are crushed to death by their televisions or furniture each year.”

Which brings me to the number one threat in America: Terrorist furniture!

Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Americans, we should have known our furnishings were in league with Muslim fundamentalists. We’ve got ottomans hiding in plain sight! Sometimes with afghans.

It’s only a matter of time before we’re all radicalized by our furniture and trust me, you spend enough time trying to put together an Ikea entertainment center, you’ll be ready to murder someone.

Operation Artificial Swedener – C’mon Sweden, Take a Chance on Stephen

Regular viewers of this show know that @Sweden, the entire country’s twitter feed, has been turned over a new Swede every week to drum up interest in Sweden.

But by handing it to every Tom, Dick, and Torvall it has embroiled the country in controversy because so far the official tweeting Swedes, or Tweedes, have discussed masturbation and asked “what’s the fuzz?” with Jews.

I can answer that one, the fuzz is called pais.

So, last week I stepped up and graciously offered to be the voice of Sweden but Monday Sweden responded, quote, “Colbert will have to wait”.

What? No one tells me to be patient! That makes me so mad! Calm down, ColberT! Count to ten. One… That’s enough.

Folks, to claim what’s rightfully mine I have launched Operation Artificial Swedener.  Urging you, members of the Colbert Nation, to bombard the Swedes on twitter until they give it to me and you unleashed a twittskrieg.

And according to the latest reports from The Local.com, Sweden’s premier national localSwedish/English online newspaper: Sweden to reveal Colbert Twitter news ‘next week’. We are so close, Nation. I’ve got Swedish fever! I’ve got Stockholm syndrome!

But folks, there’s only one obstacle standing between me and the Swedish tweeting supremacy, Johannes Karlsson, head of PR and Social Media at Visit Sweden who said, and I twote:

How dare you, sir! I have made a long study of your nation’s history. From it’s founding by Hägar the Horrible to it’s renowned herds of snow giraffes.

Now, I’ve been nice about this but Sweden has been the aggressor. First, Sonja Abrahamsson, the Jew fuzz girl said, “forget about your Swedish Twitter account obsession” and told me to “suck our Swedish meatballs”.

Really? Well Sonja, kiss my lingonberries. And… sorry. I’m sorry for the salty talk.

And the current holder of the Swedish Twitter throne, Ellen Forselius. Seen here hiding behind one of Sweden’s native potted palms. Gloated in this Tweet, “Just enjoying that I’ve got something that Colbert want and can’t have.” It true. I want freedom from talk good grammer. Colbert sad. And Colbert also want that Twitter feed.

And if I am not granted control of @Sweden by this time next week I, and I never thought when I started this show seven years ago that I would ever be saying these words; the Colbert Nation will cut off all diplomatic relations with Sweden. I’ve got to. I’m sorry. I’ve got to. Don’t I have to? I have to do that.

Of course, the first thing we willl do, of course, is expel your ambassador, Dolph Lundgren.

Of course, I am a man of peace. So before things get ugly, let me make a last appeal. With the words of Sweden’s greatest living poets, Benny and Björn.

If you change your mind, I’m the first in line
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you’ve got no place to go, if you’re feeling down
If you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain’t no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Come on Sweden, give me the feed!

Lawrence Krauss

My guest tonight is a cosmologist whose new book is about why there is something instead of nothing.  I’m guessing because his publisher gave him a deadline.

Stephen:  A book about the ultimate question.  Okay doctor, sweep away thousands of years of mystery and awe at creation. That lead the greatest minds in civilizations all over the world to lead to one point: A single, divine, loving, creator.  Destroy it.  Why is it something instead of nothing?

Lawrence:  It’s really easy, because nothing’s unstable and, in fact, there’s no evidence for any deity.  Everything we know about the laws of physics, which are remarkable and have changed everything about the way we think about the universe, what nothing is and what something is: is this table here is mostly empty space.

Stephen:  This table cost me $500.

***

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Sign Off – Lawrence Krauss Shout Out

That’s it for The Report! I want to thank Lawrence Krauss. The book is A Universe From Nothing. Goodnight, everybody!

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