August 2, 2012 — Chris Hayes

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8132 (August 2, 2012)
GUESTS: Chris Hayes
SEGMENTS: Rafalca’s First Day of Dressage | DISCLOSE Act Filibuster & Nancy Pelosi’s Pact | Better Know a District – Missouri’s 3rd or 1st – Russ Carnahan | Thought for Food – USDA “Meatless Mondays” & Plant Communication
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | Periwinkle Shirt | Black/Periwinkle Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, August 2, 2012

Rafalca’s First Day of Dressage

Hey, ladies and gentlemen thank you so much! Welcome to the Report. Thank you for joining us on this balmy Thursday.

Nation, the world is gripped with Olympic fever and I have got it bad. My doctor actually said I might have ring worm. And folks, I caught it from a horse. The Romney’s Olympic dressage stead: Raphalca. Oh, people love Raphalca.

Yesterday was Raphalca’s first day of competition and she crushed it! Power prancing to a score of 70.243. That is unheard of! In that I have never heard a dressage score… Is that good? Is that good? I am being told that no one knows.

Anyway, the second round is tonight.  Check your local listings on the NBC dressage channel, which I’m guessing is Bravo.  We will have more coverage on tomorrow’s show.  Which, of course, we do not broadcast.

DISCLOSE Act Filibuster & Nancy Pelosi’s Pact 

Now folks, you are here on an historic night. The Report has been on the air almost seven years now and it has gone through a lot of changes. I mean, who could forget year one and my animated antigovernment sidekick, The Spends Too Much Chinaman. It was a different time. We can’t judge them.

Back then, I also used to do a segment called Better Know A District, in which I interviewed actual members of Congress.  Each segment was like encountering a rare Woolly Mammoth who was very unpopular in his home tundra.

But all that ended in 2006 when Nancy Pelosi told members of Congress, quote, “I wouldn’t recommend that anyone go on the show.” And, and, and they stopped coming on. To add insult to injury the entire democratic delegation went on Chelsea Lately. Oh, Steny Hoyer will discuss his yeast infection with her but not me.

Well, this past ash Wednesday I made a deal with the devil. If by devil you mean Nancy Pelosi and I generally do.

Well, since then I have passionately supported the disclose act but Senate republicans have filibustered it. I mean, who could have seen that coming? Certainly not me when I made my deal with Nancy. But now it is time for the speaker to pay the piper.

Better Know a District – Missouri’s 3rd or 1st – Russ Carnahan 

Oh, hi there! I was just about to throw back another cold one. No matter how many times I do that, I never get drunk. Now, coincidentally the makers of my favorite diet fruit flavored lager is located in the subject of the 65th installment of my 434 part series Better Know A District.

Tonight, Missouri’s third, the fighting third!  Missouri’s third contains much of the city of St. Louis.  St.  Louis: the Lou, River City, Gateway City, Mound City, City of Lights, A-Rod, Sloop Lions.

In 1849, part of the district was destroyed by a fire after a steam boat exploded on the Mississippi river. Tragic. If only they could have found some sort of nearby water source to put it out.

Now, the third is also home to agri-giant, Monsanto, which holds hundreds of patents on genetically modified plants. From corn that produces its own pesticide, to soy beans that lobby Congress.

And who’s got the genetically modified plumbs to represent such a district?  It’s none other than four term Congressmen, Russ Carnahan, who this Tuesday faces a primary to represent Missouri’s new first district because his current third district has been redistricted.  Which brings us to the subject of the 66th installment of my 434 part series Better Know A Redistrict.

Tonight, Missouri’s new first, the fighting used to be part of the third. Missouri’s new first is home to the St. Louis Cardinals, famed for homerun champ Marc McGwire: also, genetically engineered by Monsanto.

I sat down with Congressman Carnahan in his Washington office to talk about the old third the new first and why seven ate nine.

Stephen: Congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today.

Congressman Carnahan: It’s great to be with you.

Stephen:  You are John Carnahan but you go by Russ.

Congressman Carnahan:  Right.

Stephen:  Okay, can I call you Rusty?

Congressman Carnahan:  No.

Stephen:  Carny?

Congressman Carnahan:  Russ.

Stephen:  Rusty trombone?

Congressman Carnahan:  R-Russ.

Stephen:  Russ.  Okay, tell me about the fightin’ first.  What’s it like?

Congressman Carnahan:  Certainly.  It’s a district that combines all the city of Saint Louis plus parts of North Saint Louis County into one new, really super democratic district.

Stephen:  The headquarters of Monsanto are in your district.  True?

Congressman Carnahan:  They are in North Saint Louis County, yes.

Stephen:  Okay, great.  How do you feel about genetically modified foods.

Congressman Carnahan:  I think there is a place for that.  A great example is some of the drought stricken areas in the US.

Stephen:  Now, Monsanto is one of your biggest donors.

Congressman Carnahan:  Right.

Stephen:  Are you a genetically modified ear of corn, in a suit, running for congress?

Congressman Carnahan:  I, I am-

Stephen:  Are you a Congressman or are you a Corngressman?

Congressman Carnahan:  I’m Russ Carnahan.

Stephen:  Russ Carnahan, okay, so you’re dodging the question.  (R.C.: In congress.)  You’re dodging the question.  Are you human or are you a genetically modified vegetable from the labs of Monsanto?

Congressman Carnahan:  I am human.

Stephen:  Okay, you are a human.

Congressman Carnahan:  Yes.

Stephen:  Good.  Alright.  Just, legally I have to get that before I move on.  You worked to ensure enactment of The America Competes Act to improve math and science education.  Sell me on math.  Why do we need it?

Congressman Carnahan:  The U.S. is, for a very long time, uh, lead in science and technology that we have to do that through having the strong educational system.

Stephen:  We don’t need math anymore, we have computers now and Chinese people.

Congressman Carnahan:  The studies will show these kind of investments in early childhood education, they really pay off dividends.

Stephen:  Is there some way we could find out which kids are worth investing in?  Instead of just, kind of blanketly, just kind of spraying cash at kids like a hose.  That says we’re wasteful.

Congressman Carnahan:  It- Not at all, this is a-

Stephen:  It’s like shoeing the horse before he’s won the race.

Congressman Carnahan:  But we want all the kids to win the race.

Stephen:  That idea, I like.  I like the idea of racing children.  It’d be a great way to raise money.

Congressman Carnahan:  I-I-I I don’t, I don’t think that-

Stephen:  Put kids in harnesses and have even smaller children race them.

Congressman Carnahan:  Uh, the statistics are really clear.

Stephen:  That’s a good idea.  You co-sponsored the Respect for Marriage Act, a bill that would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act.

Congressman Carnahan:  Right.

Stephen:  Why do you support gay rights?  Gay people can’t even vote.

Congressman Carnahan:  They can vote and they do vote and, and, and they, and they should vote.

Stephen:  I don’t think so.  I’m not talking about, like, for Dancing With The Stars, I’m talking about voting in elections.  I’m from South Carolina.  I know they’re not allowed to vote there.

Congressman Carnahan:  Well, it’s very important that everybody vote.

Stephen:  Was it significant when the President came out in support of gay marriage?  Do you think?

Congressman Carnahan:  I believe it was.  I think it was real transformational conversation.

Stephen:  Was it a shock for you?

Congressman Carnahan:  No.

Stephen:  It didn’t shock you at all to find out that the President was gay?

Congressman Carnahan:  Uh, I think he supports marriage equality, certainly.

Stephen:  So, you knew that.

Congressman Carnahan:  He, he definitely supports marriage equality.

Stephen:  So that was the first hint, to you, that the President was a homosexual?

Congressman Carnahan:  No.

Stephen:  It was not the first hint? There were others?  If it wasn’t the first, what was the first.  It’s okay. It’s a safe place.  Just tell us.

Congressman Carnahan:  He made it clear that he supported marriage equality.

Stephen:  Moving on.  You’re on the Congressional Meth Caucus.  Do you guys ever stay up all night and just clean the halls of Congress?

Congressman Carnahan:  We don’t but, um, in Missouri, like other states in the Midwest, we’ve had some of the highest incidents of meth production.

It’s a very long interview, enjoy the extra caps I couldn’t use elsewhere. You deserve it!

Stephen:  Have you ever done meth?

Congressman Carnahan:  No, but it-

Stephen:  Glass? Crank?

Congressman Carnahan: No.

Stephen:  Geep?

Congressman Carnahan:  Nope.

Stephen:  Glint?

Congressman Carnahan:  No.  It’s a drug that-

Stephen:  Geeko? Got Got?

Congressman Carnahan:  That has been highly toxic.

Stephen:  Guitarzan? Billy Crystal?

Congressman Carnahan:  And has unusually devastating consequences. So-

Stephen:  Dr. Ice’s tooth loosener?  Duane “The Rock” methamphetamine?  No?

Congressman Carnahan:  No way.  Our, our focus has to be on trying to shut down these meth labs.

Stephen:  Let’s change the subject.  Anheuser-Busch is headquartered in your district.

Congressman Carnahan:  Yes.

Stephen:  Are you drunk now?

Congressman Carnahan:  No.

Stephen:  Okay.  Then you’re not really representing your constituents, are you?

Congressman Carnahan:  Well, we’re very proud of the brewery that is there but also, they’re large proponents of responsible drinking.

Stephen:  You wanna chug a Bud with me?  You wanna hit it?

Congressman Carnahan:  Alright.

Stephen:  Shall we?  Okay.

Congressman Carnahan:  Cheers.

Stephen:  To the first or third.

Congressman Carnahan:  Cheers.

Stephen:  You are a lightweight.

Congressman Carnahan:  It’s true.

Stephen:  Congressman, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me today.

Congressman Carnahan:  Thank you.

Stephen:  Good luck with the first, or the third, or the fourth.  Put ’em together.

Jim, let’s put Missouri’s first up on the big board. Oh, looks like Monsanto just developed exploding corn.

Thought for Food – USDA “Meatless Mondays” & Plant Communication

Nation, I say if your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you need to get your eyes stapled. This is Thought for Food.

Folks, I’m no fan of the USDA. A bunch of government bureaucrats sitting around all day inspecting my meat, that’s sick stuff.

What!?!  If I have meatless Mondays, how am I supposed to celebrate trichinosis Tuesdays?

This whole thing is typical of the vegelite but now they’ve got some problems of their own, folks. According to the journal of Trends in Plant Science evidently plants can talk. Researchers found that plants not only respond to sound but communicate with each other with clicking noises. Just like the Olsen twins.

And plants suffer.  Super sensitive microphones picked up a bubbling sound from a healthy plant that rose to a piercing screech when threatened.  So all those smug, morally superior vegans are actually vicious kale killers.

What’s, what’s that? What’s, what’s that carrot? What’s that? Oh, no! Oh, no! What? What? Oh, they took your babies and they drown them in ranch dressing? You monsters!

To get the message out about the quiet suffering of our botanical brethren I have created the following public service announcement, Jim:

Stephen Colbert watermelon

Hi, I’m Stephen Colbert asking you to be an angel for a helpless fruit or vegetable. Every year these innocents are viscously pulled from their roots and then killed for your dinner — sometimes just as a garnish. Can you look into these potatoes’ eyes and tell them you don’t care? Will you break another artichoke’s heart? Please do your part and eat as much meat as possible. Brought to you by PETOP: People for the ethical treatment of produce. Orange you glad you’re not a banana?

This is Barney. He’s found a good home already. Tonight I’m going to introduce him to his new friend, Stew.

Chris Hayes

My guest tonight is the host of the MSNBC show Up. I’m going to take him down!

Stephen:  Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.  You’re not wearing a tie.

Chris: I’m not.

Stephen:  Okay, ah, did you at least wear underwear?

Chris:  I did. I did wear underwear.  I am terrible at tying ties.

Stephen:  Really?  How old are you?

Chris:  I’m 33.  It’s the sort of thing that at a certain point in life I just gave up on and decided to commit myself to other things.

Stephen:  You’re a newsmen now, okay?

Chris:  Yes.  I know, I know.

Stephen:  It’s called gravitas.

Chris:  I know.  I know. We basically reverse engineered my entire show around the fact that I can’t tie a tie.

Stephen:  Alright, sounds like a great programming schedule.

Stephen:  There is a limit to how successful I should be?

Chris:  I think that the level of inequality that we have seen produces elites who cannot help but fail.

Stephen:  Why?  What do you mean we fail?

Chris:  Well, look around you Stephen!  Look around you!

Stephen:  What do you mean?  I have a television show.  People chant my name.  I’ve got Chris Hayes as my guest.  Am I failing in some way?

Chris:  No, you’re succeeding but if you were to walk out of here and you were to take the subway ten or fifteen stops… there’s a lot of frustration, anger, and misery in this country right now that has been brought about by a colossal and catastrophic failure by the pillar institutions in the country and the effects of that, the costs of it are not borne by the Stephen Colberts of the world.  Even if it’s the Stephen Colberts who have brought it about. They’re borne by the people fifteen stops away from here.

Sign Off- Carrot Nibble

Well, that’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight.

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