August 9, 2012 — Woody Harrelson

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8136 (August 9, 2012)
GUESTS: Woody Harrelson
SEGMENTS:  Michele Bachmann’s Attack on Hillary Clinton Aide Huma Abedin |Better Know a District – Minnesota’s 5th – Keith Ellison | Who’s Honoring Me Now? – Psychonomic Bulletin & Review | Woody Harrelson | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT:  Black Suit | White Shirt | Blue Tie/White Stripe
VIDEOS: Thursday, August 9, 2012

Michele Bachmann’s Attack on Hillary Clinton Aide Huma Abedin

If you’re a long time viewer of the show, you know that I have warned you about the secret Muslims lurking all around us.  I am on to you Al Abama.

That’s why I admire Minnesota Congresswoman and amateur hypnotist, Michele Bachmann… for her brave attempt to root out Muslim extremists from our government.

This past June Michele and her fellow republicans, Trent Franks,  Louie Gohmert, Tom Rooney, Lynn Westmoreland, a group often referred to as the Mensa of Congress, sent a letter to the Executive Branch alleging that recent executive government decisions, quote:

In other words, Muslims have infiltrated our government. Exhibit A: Did you know the congressional cafeteria serves crescent rolls. That, is nothing more than warm, buttery Jihad.

Now, folks, these accusations caused a firestorm because one of the suspected infiltrators is Huma Abedin: wife of former underwear model Anthony Weiner, top aid to Hilary Clinton, and an admitted Muslim.  Now, these charges were made without evidence and were denounced by republicans John Boehner, Lindsey Graham, and John McCain.  Who took to the floor of the Senate and called her accusations “specious and degrading” but yesterday, former Speaker and current not going to president, Newt Gingrich defended Bachmann on the CNN.

Yes, it takes a brave man to randomly accuse someone of something horrible based on no evidence and then demand that they refute the evidence that you don’t have.

So, tonight, I’m accusing Newt Gingrich of being a baby eating werewolf. There it is. It’s out there now. Do I have evidence? No but someone has to stand up to him. Where do I find the courage?

Better Know a District – Minnesota’s 5th – Keith Ellison

Sadly, Bachmann’s biggest critic is fellow Minnesotan, Keith Ellison who, surprise, surprise, is the nation’s first Muslim Congressmen.  I mean, what kind of people would elect someone like that to Congress?  Let’s find out in the 67th installment of my 434 part series, Better Know a District.  Tonight, Minnesota’s 5th, the fightin’ fifth!

Minnesota’s fifth district made history back in 1855, when they opened the Hennepin Avenue Bridge.  The first bridge that allowed east bound travelers to cross the Mississippi or if they were headed west, the Ippississim.

The fifth also contains the city of New Hope, which which most agree is vastly superior to the neighboring cities of Phantom Menace and Attack Of The Clones, Wisconsin.

The fifth also contains the world famous Walker Art Center which features Claes Oldenburg’s Spoonbridge and Cherry sculpture.  It’s a testament to the city’s love of art, as well as, a realistic depiction of Midwestern portion sizes.

And the fifth district is home to legendary pop imp Prince who amazes fans with his musical virtuosity and his ability to survive Minnesota winters in assless pants.

And just who has the mini-apples to represent Minneapolis?  None other than three term congressmen Keith Ellison.  I sat down with Representative Ellison, in a room.

Congressmen Ellison, thank you so much for talking to me today.

Pleased to meet you.

Tell me about the fightin’ fifth.

It’s a great place,  You know, I’m proud to be representing Minneapolis.

Now Minneapolis, that is in Canada.  Correct?

No, it’s in Minnesota.

I think it’s Manitoba.


Are you sure?

Quite certain.

Moving on.  I understand you were the very first secret Muslim to be elected to congress.

I wasn’t secret.

You were the first openly secret Muslim.

Well, I didn’t make a huge deal about my religion but other people did so…

You’re welcome.

Heh, heh.  Okay.

By the way I just want to go on record as saying that I believe that Islam is a great and true religion as revealed by the profit Muhammad, blessings and peace be upon him.

That’s good.

I say that to every Congressman I interview, now just because you’re a Muslim.


I’ll keep it in because you’re a Muslim but I always say it.  It’s not that I’m frightened or anything.


And would you just say to your Muslim brethren right now, “Stephen’s cool”?

Stephen’s cool.

Thanks very much.  Great.  Wonderful.  In a related matter, friend of the show Congresswomen Michele Bachmann has called for investigations on how far radical Muslims have infiltrated the United States’ government.  Are you familiar with this, sir?

I am familiar with her actions.

Who’s Honoring Me Now? – Psychonomic Bulletin & Review

Woody Harrelson

Sign Off – Goodnight

That’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight.


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